Daily Vanity

Coming to Terms

2011-08-16T18:45:00.000-07:00

I ran today. Not very far. Alka was kind enough to allow me to join her on her run around the Highland Park reservoir and even though I ran about 13% of the distance she did, it was still among the most triumphant moments I've experienced post-illness.

I am not completely well. I still ache each morning, pop 12 pills each and every day, and require significantly more rest than I ever had before. But I am steadily improving, and for all intensive purposes, I have my life back.

There are certain things that come with this knowledge that have become challenging to accept, however. It is, for example, a sharp reality that things will never "go back" to how they were before. I am a different person. There is nothing that can ever restore that easy-going, carefree, lucky spirit I possessed only 2 1/2 short years ago.

I am angry now. I mock those who complain of life's simple difficulties and frankly detest any suggestion of being "too sick" to do anything at all. You have no idea what sick is. You have never--ever--not been able to tie your shoes at the age of 23, have your mother bathe you in what should be the prime of you life. You do not know what it feels like to experience such physical anguish that you would sincerely give it to the person you loved the most just to be relieved of the burden. Chronic pain, and the hopelessness that accompanies it, is perhaps the absolute worst ailment one can endure because it--without reservation or care for your spirit--brings out the absolute worst there is in you, and leaves you, alone.

Do not, however, believe for a second that my cynicism and bitterness negate appreciation for every day I wake up alive. But those things are still very much a part of me. They are a reality of my being just as much as the color of my hair. My experience has changed me; there is no going back. And the simple suggestion that I am young or inexperienced, or "do not understand" is nothing short of infuriating to me. So, tread lightly with these topics, because I will not hesitate to introduce you to your ignorance.

There is no question, and I say without a hint of hesitation, that I am stronger than I was before. But I cannot even entertain the idea that I am somehow "better" for my trials, perhaps enlightened or even fortunate to have experience what I did. I cannot bring myself to say it eloquently. Fuck that nonsense. What I wouldn't give to have never known what it feels like to come to a resolve with yourself that, if the future looks as grim as the present, you absolutely will take your own life. No, I could do without that lovely notion, wisdom and all.

I could go back to being carefree.

Oh No You Don't

2011-07-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

I walked to the parking lot behind my apartment the other morning, purse and bagel in hand. What do I see but a baby blue jay parked directly behind my car with an indignant look on his feathered face. The mother was freaking out, of course: swirling about, chirping profusely. The small tot was not fresh out of the egg, however. More around the "got kicked out of the nest" age. I decided it was in his best interest for me to move him away from where a careless driver could back over him, and then go on my merry way.

Fate would not have it as such. With my attention drawn upwards again to the bird's frantic mommy, I realized--with terror--that a cat with attention fixed on my new friend was perched on the garage roof.

Shit.

Well I can't just leave this little guy here. That bastard will eat him! And don't feed me that circle of life bullshit; these cats get fed. So, I pondered where I could possibly put the helpless baby so that this ferocious feline couldn't get his jaws and paws on him. If this cat is on the garage roof where can't he be? At this point the villain turned the corner of the garage--I swear it couldn't have taken him but 2 seconds to make it down from the roof--and stopped short when he saw me. I make a move toward him to startle him off and, foolishly, thought he was gone.

I figured I may as well get a sense of how well this little guy could fly. So I moved toward him and he fluttered away. I bet he'll take flight by end of day, I thought to myself. But at that moment, the cat flew from behind the garage, snatched my new friend in his mouth, and took off!

Like hell you do. This is not going down on my watch. And so I dropped my purse and took off after them.

The baby was screaming and flapping his wings. My heart was sinking, but my adrenaline was pumping. I don't know how, but to my utter amazement I actually caught the cat! Bagel still in hand, I took him by the back of the neck and shook.

"DROP IT! LET IT GO!!!"

Jaws open, bird released. I tossed that asshole over the chain link fence for good measure. He landed on his feet, but he knows he lost this battle. I hope his little cat friends all witnessed this and harass him about it in the locker room later.

I scoop up the blue jay who is absolutely petrified, and fluttered about in my hands so violently that I dropped my bagel. How unlucky.

To my delight and surprise, there was no visible bodily harm to the bird, who was now calming in my hands. The thought came to me that the roof outside my second story window would be a perfect spot for him as no predators could gain access to it and he could take his sweet time in learning to fly, so I made my way back to my apartment.

But as I started up the steps, the bird's mouth opened, his eyes began to fade, and his little body was becoming rigid in my hands. I realized, whether of internal injuries or severe stress, he was dying. I had failed him. And in front of the doorway to my apartment, I began to cry.

I still needed to lay him to rest somewhere, and he deserved better than being devoured post-mortem or being tossed in a trash can. I decided to lay him outside my window for now, and return and bury him when I returned from work. With a heavy heart, I opened my window.

With the utmost care I placed this fragile creature, since passed, on the roof of my porch and stepped back with eyes welling up. And at the moment I did this, my friend popped up from where he laid and began hopping and chirping about! He was playing dead!!

Perhaps one of the most joyous moments of my life took place right then. Such satisfaction and pleasure taken in outwitting a cunning creature and sparing a gentle baby in need. I watched him bounce over to the end of the roof, where he called for his mother and waited patiently.

I took off for work that day, empowered and ecstatic.

And So It Is

2011-07-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

And for an update. It's been 7 months. I suppose there's something to say.

Work is life. I 'd be lying if I said I didn't love it, though. I've never been one who can sit still anyway. Working 60+ hours a week--every week--has it's drawbacks, most certainly, but I'll take it over idleness. I also feel like my job provides me with a sense of purpose to an extent, and that is enjoyable as well. I've been promoted since my last post, which is insane to think about since I was only last "promoted" to management in September. I, with my team, of course, am essentially in charge of all activity in the Pittsburgh market for my company. It really is in every way my dream job. I could stick around in this for a long, long time--fate allowing.

Separating my personal and professional lives is a complete impossibility. Firstly, because my job takes so very much of my waking time, but also because much of my social life revolves around a group of work friends.

From Buku to Bukowski life has been pretty interesting. I have such little free time that it's always an adventure just deciding how to spend it. Fortunately working in promotions has so many social perks. Last night I found myself at a dub-step show in the South Side in relation to my job. So after the work was done I hung around for the show. The allusive Caleb Pass did not make an appearance, which put a damper on the night, but an unexpected run-in with a delightful acquaintance and making nice with the bar and security staff proved enjoyable, even fulfilling. The headliner, Buku, is also a friend of mine which is reason enough to stick around and show support (or just act remarkably exclusive being "in").

In the downtime, I have found comfort and familiarity with Shiraz, my cat, and Bukowski poetry. For my birthday, Ethan gifted me a collection, Burning in Water Drowning in Flame, which may very well be my favorite work I've been introduced to in many years--pre-graduate school, even. Humor me as I indulge myself. An excerpt:

the other night

an old worker

grey and blind

no longer useful

was retired

to the Outside.

speech! speech!

we demanded.

it was

hell, he said.

we laughed

all 4000 of us;

he had kept his

humor

to the end.

From "the workers."

In life there is much humor and much grief. Purposeful people are those who see the correlation. There is, no doubt, much sorrow that comes with understanding.

I had a dream last night. I had multiple sub-dermal piercings throughout my back, which were being removed by hand in some shop that resembled no place of business of which I've ever been familiar. I bled a little and became nauseated when they removed one from my lower side. It bothered me so much, that the mirroring one I opted to leave in. At this point, a man I knew began to tell a story from the corner of the room about hunting with his friends and his friends' dogs. Appearing from nowhere, as elements are wont to do in dreams, was a caged hound. The man removed the dog from the cage and proceeded to shove the barrel of a rifle into the animal's hindquarters. And fire.

I woke up so disturbed that even though last night's events kept me up past 3am and it was only the early waking moments of dawn, I could not return to rest.

Sometimes I wonder if the poetry is doing it to me. But then I remind myself that it pales in comparison to the cruelty of life.

WTF?

2011-01-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

In explanation for my indiscernible status reading: Shannon Kristen loves her foreign fucking malibu, so fuck you, eminem, chinstrap, four eyes, honky black lung, and jiffylube.

I had a very weird--and disagreeable--experience at Jiffylube today.

Eminem, chinstrap, four eyes, and honky black lung are what I dubbed the incompetent and insulting workers there (I refuse to capitalize them as they are NOT proper nouns). I drive an '06 Saab 9-3 Convertible (information necessary for this story to make sense). After charging $101 for an OIL CHANGE, eminem (called this for his uncanny white-trash resemblance to the much more successful and, yes, even talented, rapper) said (unprompted, just out of the fucking blue) "I would never buy foreign." (Of course, I fired back "I would never buy American," adding the dig "I like my cars to run." The truthfulness of this statement is neither here nor there, only the unwavering and unapologetic delivery of my insult.) Standing outside, when I should have been leaving (after the monetary raping had occurred), they determined that my brake late was, in fact, out, as it said on the interior screen. (Before they had said to me "it says your brake light is out, but it's not." Yeah, must have been some of that damn foreign trickery). So, now that they used their goddamn eyes and saw that the brake light was out (honky black lung, the nondescript 20-something lip pierced, check-out girl, must have insisted 30 times "BUT I JUST CHECKED IT. IT WAS JUST WORKING!), they proceeded to take 3 years in the cold to fix it. (Side note, there were about 8 people there doing this job. It could have--and SHOULD have--taken 1). While this was taking place, chinstrap (self-explanatory alias) made a comment about how my car is "just a malibu," as in the model made by Chevy. (Again totally unprompted. And if that's the case, shouldn't eminem be thrilled with it?) As they continued to yammer on about the electrical system, I mentioned, truthfully, that I had just picked it up from the shop where an attempt had been made to install a remote starter. They told me my car was literally the only one they could not successfully operate in. The electrical system was far too complicated and they couldn't guarantee the work. To this, eminem chimed that those things were a complete breeze to install and that all cars were the same in that regard, even throwing in a detail about opening up some compartment and then just turning such and such thing on. Presto. (Oh yeah, I'm sure that the people who were about to get $600 for the job turned it down and lied to me about my car being more challenging. Furthermore, the Pgh Saab dealership I called to ask about it also lied when they said that they could not perform the task either and that my particular model could only have it factory installed--sorry. Sure, eminem. You have skills that surpass these others. That's why you're working the afternoon shift at Jiffylube, you fuck.) After going on about how I lucked out not having to pay for the $5 light they were putting in my tail light (yeah, that cost definitely wasn't covered in the Benjamin I just handed over to you people), Manolis and I got in my overpriced, foreign Chevy Malibu and looked at each other in disbelief at what had just taken place. But, just as we turned at the intersection we heard a desperate screech from honky black lung. We looked up at where we had just been and, sure enough, there she was waiving her arms in the air as if she was hailing down an airplane in the distance. I had to make several turns to get back to the lot, where I was informed by the bungling gaggle that a piece of my car about the size of a hubcap was somehow not returned to its proper place in the engine. At this point, chinstrap went about replacing it, but, not to worry, because four eyes (again, obvious and admittedly less than witty pseudonym) proceeded to inform us that "it just looks pretty" and didn't serve any real function to the engine. Well, in that case, just keep it as a paper weight!

So, there's the explanation to my status. Manolis and I decided that the establishment would serve well as a setting for the next hit reality series. Titles such as "Jiffy Shore/Jersey Lube"were tossed around.

List!

2010-12-26T09:55:00.001-08:00

The last couple years, and particularly the last couple months, I have felt like I have accomplished NOTHING. Now, this is, of course, not true. I've still traveled, got a job (had six at one point), did all kinds of things really. But, with being a lame ass invalid I just feel like there is so much more I've wanted to accomplish and haven't been able to.

This is probably a good thing. Because now, I will likely be inspired and determined to waste no time as soon as I am fully functioning again (maybe in a couple months? ::fingers crossed::).

Anyways, what I do have now is time to think about and plan out all of the adventures I want to be a part of in the next few years. Here's a fun brainstorm of the goals I'm setting for myself. (Please feel encouraged to comment with your own.)

Marathon--this is a big one. I was well on my way to accomplishing this goal before I fell victim to the tick bite. This WILL happen before I am 30.

Triathlons--good fun.

Short film--I've been sitting on what I consider to be a really awesome screen play for some time now. I wrote it in an afternoon while in Colorado (when I should have been doing work...). It requires a pretty small cast and probably only a week of filming at most. I would love to do this over the summer.

Lounge singer--No, I'm not kidding. I want to put together a couple hours worth of material and sell myself to some clubs/lounges. I really want to sing again somewhere. Just for fun. You only live once.

The Amazing Race--Now, this one requires the commitment of the brilliant and lovely Amanda Matlock, so we'll see, but no one can tell me that I wouldn't be awesome at this. I was born to do race amazingly. Oh, let me see, mental and physical competition with a close friend while traveling around the world. If it sounds like the description of my autobiography, IT IS. Amanda, get done with law school and f jobs for a while. We're doing it. ;D

World Cup, Brazil--Admittedly Manolis is the driving force behind this desire, but, come on, it would be awesome. It's a while away; we can make this happen.

Sky diving--This is a classic. But I do want to do it.

Bikram's Yoga Retreat--I have to get back into the practice again, but once I feel comfortable and confident enough I would love to take part in an intensive Bikram Yoga instructive retreat. I'll be walking on my hands in no time.

See all 7 continents. Believe it or not, even with all of my travels, I have only been to two continents: North America and Europe. The next 10 years will give way to a hard push for the other 5 (Yes, this includes Antarctica. Yes, you can go there.)

These are just the first few things that come to my mind. There are more. But a pretty good start, I think. Each day better than the one before.

Las Vegas Hotels I've Stayed In

2010-12-19T10:55:00.000-08:00

Just for fun. I've been to Las Vegas 7 times (and am going again in May!). Here are the hotels I've graced with with my presence.

The Luxor

Still a soft spot in my heart for this one. I know people say it's old and shitty now, but I absolutely love this one. The very first I ever stayed in. I was ten; it was a family vacation with my parents. I spent the entire trip riding the 3-d thrill ride "In Search of the Obelisk." How do I still remember that?

MGM Grand

When I stayed there this was a very family oriented hotel. There was a theme park in the back and coming in the entrance, a Wizard of Oz themed display. I don't remember much else of this one, though years later I would wake up in it not remembering how I got there...

The Mirage

My absolute favorite hotel. Period. A Las Vegas classic. I saw Sigfried and Roy here. I love the dolphins and the waterfall pool. Plus, the 100ft long aquarium at check in. This is just a great hotel.

Excalibur

Honestly, a pretty shitty hotel. I saw the Knights show and even a dog show, but there's really not a whole lot else I can say about it. I wish it no harm, but I wouldn't stay there again.

The Winn

When I stayed there it was the newest and most expensive Vegas hotel ever built. Snazzy decor, high end shopping, and a hot hot hot night club: this place makes my nice and naughty list. ;)

The Palazzo

Probably the least impressive hotel externally, this place had the nicest rooms of any hotel where I've stayed. We fit 6 ladies in the early 20's comfortably with room to spare. The exclusive pool is a great place to get shit-faced for around $150 dollars and pass out too.

I've also stayed in a hostel and a condo off the strip. The hostel was actually pretty awesome. Something like $14 dollars a night with a pool open 24/7 and really funny front desk employees with absolutely insane "Texas" tats on their biceps (ok, so that was one specific guy). When I go back in May I'll be staying at the New York, New York, which I'm excited for because I love the roller coaster on top. Anyway, that was fun.

Viva Las Vegas!

"What Did You Do to Piss Off the Universe?"

2010-11-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

Title, courtesy of Julie.

So, everybody knows the Lyme Disease saga. Recently I got a picc line in order to administer IV antibiotics for a 4-6 week period which will hopefully be the solution to this ongoing, miserable health debacle that has been my life the last couple years.

The actual picc line procedure on the 4th was completely miserable. For most people it is not as bad as my experience apparently, but, as luck would have it mine was one for the history books. To top it all off, they put in the wrong line. Things just keep getting better and better.

Along with the regular pain of the Lyme, I had an absolutely terrible night of terrible chills, fever, aching, and a swollen neck (of all things) on Saturday. The next night, the same thing. Because it was over the weekend I couldn't find out for sure what was wrong right away. Came to find I was suffering from "serum sickness," a rare type of allergic reaction only a few people in the world would ever experience. Lucky me.

So, now I'm awaiting a new antibiotic to be administered Monday at my Dr.'s office. You know, just hanging out, waiting around, with this damn hose in my vein headed straight to my heart. >:\

Sooooo...in my waiting, I was heading to work today, you know, like you do. Sitting at a stop light, talking to Manolis (we really only get to talk on my morning commute since I started my job) I see in my rear view a second before it happened a red car headed for my backside. The only thought I remember having:

"He's not going to stop."

And he didn't. I don't even think he braked. I screamed, you know, couldn't help it, said "I was just in an accident. I'm fine. I have to go," to Manolis, and looked out my window to find the guy who had hit me standing there asking if I was alright.

The car was damaged so badly. This guy was flying. I was ok. I got out of the car, looked around at the immense damage to both the back and front of my car (he pushed me into the Accord in front of me). The next few minutes was just a blur of phone calls and sirens. My neck was bothering me, so I got it checked out by the EMTs. They insisted I go to the ER and so on the stretcher with foam head securer thingys and all I was whisked away to St. Clair.

At first we thought the guy had safe auto, which of course is minimum coverage insurance. So, we were all worried about whether or not everything would be covered for both myself and the guy in front of me. Well, then, on the ride to pick up my rental car my insurance agent called to tell me that actually, the guy who hit me cancelled his insurance on the 11th. SEVEN DAYS AGO. Holy crap.

So, now I'm responsible for my $500 deductible, and, if my car is totaled (I would imagine this is the case) I have to find a new one. I loved that little guy so much. I hope he's not the only Saab I can ever afford. ;)

Honestly, through all of this, I can say I really, truly just cannot stop thinking about the guy who hit me. Around my age, probably a little older. So shaken up. I mean, I know he was clearly negligent when he plowed into me, and I know that driving uninsured is incredibly foolish. But, I just know what it's like to be at fault for something. To be so fearful. To have everybody come down on you. And it's just terrible. And I feel for him. I'd give anything to be financially well-off enough to not hold him responsible for this and just let him deal with the legal ramifications of his actions rather than those and the financial ones.

I just hope he has a family as amazing as mine to help him through.

Job, and Stuff

2010-10-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

4th week for me. Work is going well. I couldn't have asked for a better person to work with. Jacque is smart, driven, and responsible. But also fun and cool. She just got married too, and I love weddings and everything that has to do with them, so I've enjoyed looking at her photos, hearing about her planning, etc. Office life is going well.

I feel a little bit in limbo. Manolis won't be visiting until late December (as in after Christmas) at the earliest. I have started my routine and what not but haven't really gotten into the groove quite yet. Getting my first paycheck was a delight, for certain. I'm looking forward to really getting into the flow of my days and having a life on top of just work.

But that is all contingent upon my health. Let's be honest. Without that, there's nothing. I can't really do much other than work and sleep or I'm totally run down and incapable of accomplishing even those tasks.

The nest step is IV antibiotics, which need to be approved by my insurance company to pay. Insurance companies are inherently evil, however, and so this is a difficult and time consuming process. The plan is to go ahead with the procedure (inserting the PICC line and beginning to administer the drugs) in November. Keeping my fingers crossed for a number of things. Perhaps when all is said and done I will be symptom free and cured for the new year. The idea of living without pain is nearly foreign to me now. I'm really, really hopeful for this next move.

In one of the more annoying occurances in my life recently, my Paypal account was hacked into (well, according to Paypal this is impossible and what actually happened was this mystery asshole had my password, but whatever). I woke up to an email from them entitled "Your Paypal Receipt for..." I thought this was odd since I hadn't purchased anything with Paypal in months. So, I check it out and see that yes, in fact, my Paypal account was used to buy $164 in website software. Bullshit. Call Paypal and get a very unsympathetic woman who was subsequently made to feel bad about herself by yours truly. At my insistence I was transferred to someone with knowledge and give-a-fuckness who said he would freeze my account and contact the website the item was purchased from. However, even though no money had actually been deducted from my account yet, he could not stop the amount from being paid out to Paypal. Now, he could stop it there and then after some arbitrary wait period I could deposit it back into my account. But, the point is, they couldn't just stop it, and I didn't have the funds in my account to cover that (or any) payment at the time. In which case I would have been responsible for overdraft fees, which is total bs. Now, fortunately, my bank is cool and just had me sign a form saying "pay nothing to Paypal" and, given the circumstances, waved the fee. But, it just all really made me think twice about all online anything. Because, you're not really protected. And these people don't really care.

So, that's my blather for today. Forget you, Paypal. Forget you.

Working Girl

2010-09-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

I got a job!

Finally, after the last year and a half of being overworked, underpaid, and just plain out of a job I finally got a real one.

I'm working at the promotions company I was a spokes model for since June of '09. Both of my bosses quit in the matter of a few weeks. I put in my resume and came out with one of the positions!

I work in Greentree. My hours are 10-6, Monday through Friday. My title is Program Manager and I basically do payroll, scheduling, and other administrative tasks for the spokes models.

Today is day 3 of my first week, but I'm in the office alone for now. The new hire and our trainer will be coming in next Monday, so then the real work starts. I'm just kind of bumming around, organizing the office and taking calls from my superiors in Baltimore until then.

This is truly the greatest thing to happen to me in the past year. Now, all I need is to get healthy to have a little bit of peace in my life.

It's funny though. There really always is the next thing. High school was really the last time I enjoyed the here and now and wasn't looking forward to the next big change. I was excited for college and moving on, but loved each day I had in high school, particularly my Junior and Senior years. From undergrad onward it's just always been a constant longing for the next step, or just for the current struggle to be over. I remember being so thrilled at the end of graduate school, only to be met with illness and unemployment. Now, here I am with a real job and on the brink of being cured, but I can't help but ask the question, "What's next?" What new hurdle will there be to overcome? Hopefully things will just calm down for a little while. I can work and focus and enjoy the present for what it is. But, the greater accomplishment would be to be able to feel like that even if another hurdle presents itself...

I know that life is a journey, but I've never been much of a process oriented person. I'd like a little destination now, please.

Catching Up

2010-07-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

June and July have flown by. As is to be expected. We live for our summers like we do the weekends. Even someone like myself who despises heat and strongly prefers autumn chills to summer rays can still appreciate the excitement dating back to childhood which comes with anticipation of the summer months. And like all things that excite us, the summers seem to fly...

June left something to be desired. Not that I had time for things like desiring...or breathing. My five job extravaganza continued through most of the month, though not very much outside of proctoring for the Princeton Review ever happened. The Census ended earlier than expected as well, as I was not making the alleged hourly minimum each week. As you could imagine, this came as quite the surprise to me since no minimum had ever been articulated to myself--or anyone else to my knowledge. Though technically given the option to resign and therefore keeping my record clean, I was essentially fired for a complete miscommunication on the part of my superior. This was a first for me. I doubt it to be the last. Incompetence runs rampant in so-called "professional" environments.

So, at some point in the month I was down to three jobs: Crazy Mocha, Camel, and Photobooth. I managed to bank a decent amount, allowing me to pay my bills and make my car repair. At some point in all the madness I turned 25 as well. A week long vacation to Mexico with my mom was long overdue and much appreciated. Even so, it came and went and afterwards felt like a mere hiccup in the hectic. June was a countdown to something better.

The last few days before my hiatus were maddening. Even though I regularly work without days off there was something about my final week at home that nearly sent me over the edge. Likely the very knowledge of my fast approaching holiday was adding to the pressure. Whatever it was, I was on autopilot. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked the photobooth job. So, I worked 36 hours in 3 days. Add to that a Monday departure and my mind was running circles around itself. Somehow I managed to get packed, become a quarter of a century old (my birthday was that Saturday. As I turned 25 years of age I worked the photobooth for a Bar Mitzvah at a country club that could not have sent the family back any less than 40K. A reminder of my place in the words, I suppose.), and actually make it to the airport for my evening flight. My ass hit the seat and I was in heaven. Six hours to Parisian bliss.

My time is sparse, more to come...

Everybody Needs a Good Laugh

2010-05-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

Dopple-dumbass

2010-05-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

After being told this week alone that I look "exactly" like three different celebrities, I decided to compile a comprehensive list of all of those dopplegangers I have out there. Of course, the hilarity of this is that I look nothing like a single one of these girls. Although, I will say, since the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school, I have been told I look like "the girl from That 70's Show" over 700 times. All of the others were only one instance each. I included descriptions of the encounters as I recall them.

Lauren Ambrose, 6 Feet Under
I have to say, if there is one of these that has a hint of truth, it's this one. Unfortunately this observation came from the creepy, extremely off-putting, negative, nosy, douche-bag photographer from the wedding I worked last night. He insisted his name was Pervis, but considering the rest of his character, I had serious doubts that he gave me a real name. (Although, admittedly, "Pervis" was a fitting title.)

Diane Lane
Ok, so this one's going back a few years. Probably the woman out of this lineup I look like the least, I was handed this compliment while relaxing in the public hot tub at Myrtle Beach two summers ago. The lady with poor vision seemed relatively sane, other than her clear failure at facial recognition.

Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Possibly the most flattering out of these choices, this Dicker-double (you like that?) has the obvious consistent trait of red locks. Outside of this, I'm not seeing it (but I'll take it). Thanks to Carrie...I think that's who said it, at least. It was definitely in the past week and my tired, feeble brain is telling me it happened at the Cage while chilling with Ethan and Lydia.

Mandy Moore
Now, before you scoff, yes, clearly I do not look like this woman. However, I'll be a little generous to the man in my church choir my senior year of high school who pointed out the "likeness" by saying that we both do have a rounded face and chipmunk like cheeks. Not buying? Ok, whatever.

Ariel, The Little Mermaid
Really, I was born to be a mermaid. Let's be honest. I'm not turning out to be particularly marketable in the real world, but I have red hair, fair skin, little boobs, and can sing. Booyah. (I can't recall anyone in particular saying I look like Ariel, but we'll just call this one a mulligan.)

Laura Pepron, That 70's Show
Here it is. I don't think any single person has been told they look like someone else more than I have "the girl from That 70's Show." The best part of this one (and the Mad Men and 6 Feet Under gals as well, but not nearly as funny since I was only called them once) is that for years I was told I looked like this red-head, but had never seen the show. So I just assumed that I actually looked like this person, since 700 strangers can't be wrong. Then one day I decided to take the Google image route and check out the validity of these claims. Much to my surprise (dismay?) I look close to zero, zip, nada like this lady. I mean, yes, the red hair is there, but other than that...I don't know what to say. She has thin, nearly exotic looking eyes; mine are essentially silver dollars. Her nose is sleek and pointy; mine is, well, not. I guess you could say we have the same nose, mine just got smashed into a plate-glass window and stayed that way. And her face shape isn't even similar: Her's is a definite heart; mine, as was aforementioned, rounded. Thus, my conclusion is that people see red heads as they are stereotyped to see other races: they all look alike. Here's to ignorance! ;)

So, there you have it, or me, I should say. All my little (not) look-a-likes. I should also mention that not a damn one of these came up when I did that "My Heritage" doppleganger software thing. I'm not putting much faith in that program either, however, as all of the matches it produced were either African American or Asian.

Yes, Asian.

Job Rundown

2010-05-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, hey!

So, yes, I am working 5 jobs. No, I'm not crazy. I'm just a.) excited to be able to be as active as I've always been =) (take THAT, tick!) and b.) am in debt and need to make some cold hard cash. Hey, if I can't find a well-paying "real" job, I'll take 5 decent-paying part-time jobs. =)

Here's the rundown for those of you who are confused.

MediaStar Promotions: This is the one where I walk around and hand out free shit. It used to be awesome (20 hours a week with a team leader who did all the hard stuff), now it's totally lame (9 hours a week and we have to run our asses to the office three times a week). I end up working two nights a week, between Wednesday and Saturday.

Crazy Mocha, Cranberry: Barista, plain and simple. I open on Sundays and work one week night a week, plus any covering a need to do.

The Priceton Review: This one was the most difficult to land (really challenging training) and is currently on the back burner. I still need to complete two more SAT practice tests and will probably do most of the work for this as online grading and test proctoring until after the Census job is done.

Census Enumerator: Fancy way of saying I annoy people in their homes. If you didn't fill out your Census, be expecting to have me knocking on your door. It's flexible hours, but I can work up to 40 hrs a week. I just need to be a little more disciplined and actually work that many hours, because the money can't be beat and this only lasts through June 22nd.

ShutterBooth, photo booth attendant: Probably the most unusual of my jobs, but also incredibly awesome. I attended my first event (as a "shadower") and went through my formal training already. This weekend I shadow again and as early as next week could be on my own. I construct and "host" photobooths that people rent for their events. The most common are weddings, but there are also proms, birthdays, benefits, etc. I can work this Friday through Saturday, but most commonly Saturdays. The pay is great and I work one long day a week instead of short hours throughout the week.

So there it is. Here's to doing whatcha gotta do to get a dollar bill. ;)

Sexy Assassin

2010-04-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Great times being had. Jetted off to NYC over the weekend for Justin's 25th birthday bash: Sin City Sexy Assassin Party. The concept? Dress as a sexy assassin and play said game (kind of like personal capture the flag) around Astoria, Queens. It was a blast: beautiful people playing dress-up and having fun. ;)

It was delightful to see Justin, of course, and I also got to catch up with Meredith who has been living in Japan teaching English for the past year. Talking with her was inspiring--what a beautiful soul.

Sunday, the party had taken me totally out of commission. =P But Mer and J took good care of me--thanks mommy and daddy! Gatorade and toast really did the trick. Monday was my last day there. Said toodles to Meredith and headed off to lunch with Justin at the delightful Cafe Bar.

Check out the outrageous pics of the fabulous party!

Project!

2010-04-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

I had a thought. I want to do things with groups of people, you know, people our age, just trying to balance work (or finding a job), finances, friends, family. But it's hard to see all of your friends all the time. I go months without seeing my closest friends just because it can be so difficult to find the time to do something with each person individually.

Also, I want to give back. I think a lot of people do but don't know how. A lot of people do but don't want to put in the energy to organize or plan things. And some people just don't think about it, but, if reminded, would love to.

So, here's the solution I came up with: Social Service.

Here are my thoughts. I'll plan one social event and one service event a month. I'll write about it on here to give detail of the events, create facebook events, and already made a "page" on facebook where I'll post the information. Go "like" it to get in on the events!

Anyone can go. You can go to only service events, only social events, some of both. Just once and never again...whatever you like! Bring friends, family, invite people on facebook, or just check out the blog to see how events went (I'll try to post photos and details about events after they happen too).

I figure that one service and one social event a month is a great way to get together and get involved, but not too much for one person to plan. I hope you like the idea and will consider joining in. =)

I'm Thinking About Writing a Book

2010-04-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

A lot of books, actually. I mean, I've got shit to say. And, like my mom says, if Sarah Palin can write a book, anything can. (And I do mean anything.)

Specifically, though, I think I'm going to write a book about my experience as a young, intelligent, American woman, graduating with a Master's degree and her quest to land an entry-level, 30K a year job (the meat of the book being all those part-timers in between). I mean, after my interview today I could potentially have 5 jobs. And still, still, find myself completely unable to take care of myself. I mean, I live a home (no rent, no utilities, and most of my food is paid for), and my dad pays for my health care and car insurance, and my mom has paid for all of my medical care over the past nearly year and a half (because insurance doesn't cover anything you actually need, unless you want to surrender yourself to a live of misery and lies).

Currently, my jobs are: spokes model, barista, test prep instructor, and Census taker. I'm thinking of applying to train to be a bar tender a few nights a week and am interviewing to be a "photo booth attendant" (I see potential for a lot of chapters to be written with that one) this afternoon. That would be six--SIX--jobs. Come on, America. You really need to do better than that.

Of course, I could just save up all of my material for one long, unpublishable memoir that no one would ever read. The story of my life could be edited to be very entertaining. I mean, let's be honest, shit happens to me that just doesn't happen to other people, especially when you throw Julie and Caleb stories into the mix. But then, as was already stated in the description of such a book, no one would be able to benefit from my insightful perception of our existence. Wouldn't want such a treasure going to waste, now would we? ;)

All in all, this job hunt has been an adventure all its own. And whether or not the story ever makes it way to the pages of a New York Times bestseller, it's certainly a tale to take note of, even if I'm the only one taking notes.

As an Answer to Your Questions

2010-04-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I got the SAT job. Yay! It is, unfortunately, not an answer to all the money issues and job searches, as it is not a full-time salaried position. Here's what it is.

The Princeton Review is in no way affiliated with Princeton, the really good university. It is, however, a prestigious standardized-test prep company with offices in every major US city. (It's Kaplan's biggest competition, if you're familiar with them.) I've been certified as an SAT prep instructor (provisionally...how it works is, you do the training and see if you're a good enough teacher, which I did very well. You also need to score at least a 700 on each section of the new SAT, and I need to score higher on my math section before I am 100% ready to go). With this certification, I can bid to teach courses (the schedule goes up and you put in requests for which ones you want to teach), tutor private students, proctor exams, and grade essays. All of which pays really well.

So, my plan is to proctor and grade to my little heart's desire now through July. I got one of those temporary Census jobs which starts the last week in April and goes through June. That will take up most of my time for those two months, especially considering I am still doing Camel and Crazy Mocha. (Yes, I have four jobs. Yay Master's degree.) Then I am going to visit Manolis in Cyprus (god and bank account willing) in July for a few weeks. The plan is to then start the SAT teaching full force as fall is their really busy season.

So, that's the job update. Thanks all of you for your support and positivity. I appreciate it more than you know.

You Will Not Believe What Happened to Me

2010-04-09T18:52:00.001-07:00

If I believed in fate, I'd be pretty sure I wasn't supposed to get this Princeton Review job.

So, two weekends (with one in between) of 9-5 training, the second of which starts tomorrow at 9am--sharp! Thursday night we had to meet, however, for "Teachback 1" which is an opportunity for each of the trainees to get up and teach a lesson to the other trainees and our instructor, who will critique you at the end. Four people going my night, last night, which started at 6pm at the Princeton Review offices in Oakland.

I leave at 4:40 from my home in Ambridge, leaving myself an hour and twenty minutes to make a half hour trip. I wanted to get there early and also allow some wiggle room for any traffic.

Well, fuck me.

On 65 heading into Pittsburgh the two lane road goes down to one. It's been that way for a few weeks now. No surprise there. But there's never been a delay because of it. Well, yesterday we sat for about 10-15 minutes. And just sat there. And then, started to go. And never, ever will I be able to tell you what the reason was for this delay. Just 15 minutes gone from me. No worries though, right? I mean, I left myself plllllllenty of time.

Again, fuck me.

Fort Pitt Tunnel traffic. Now, I was expecting this. It's rush hour for crying out loud. But I don't even have to go through the tunnels, I have to go past them. And this was a particularly bad day for that weird merger section of 65 where it hits the city. Sat there for about 10 and called my trainer, cause it was starting to look like I was cutting it close.

I wish.

A mile from the Oakland exit I sit, completely stopped. And this went on for literally 30 minutes. When I finally did get to the Forbes Ave exit I saw the minivan which had broken down on the one lane between me and my job training. And I cursed it. It's 6:25 now, I'm going to be a half hour late.

If only.

I crawl up the exit and discover that, in fact, there was to be another obstacle on my way to Craig st. All of the traffic lights on Forbes Avenue were out. No, I'm not kidding. So each and every intersection was treated as a stop sign all the way in. It's 6:40 when I reach Craig, and at this point I'm not even phased by the utter lack of parking. I just drive around and around, apparently for only five minutes, however, because when my ass finally hit the seat of the classroom I was supposed to be sitting in since six the plastic 9.95 Wal Mart-special time keeper on the wall had struck 6:45.

I was 45 minutes late for a presentation that had been prefaced a week ago with, "Yeah, if you're late for training you may just want to give up, because if you can't be on time now how can we trust you to be on time and responsible for a room full of 17 year-olds."

So there it is, how my first Teachback went. Go me.

Thanks for the Little Things

2010-04-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

I have an MA, but I work at a coffee shop and for a promo company, and am in the process of getting a third job (and will still only be scraping by). That's the way of it now. A lot of people are in the same boat (many far worse!).

That said, I could not be happier about my position, because given the option of this or being back in school, I would take this 1,000 times over.

And it's not just that I had a particularly bad experience in graduate school, though that's certainly a part of it. Really, it's that school doesn't end. When I work today from 6:45am to 10:30pm, at 10:30pm I am done. Not so in school. There's always something more you should be doing. Even if all of your projects are finished, all of your reading is "caught up," there's more research you should be doing, more sources you should be investigating, more anything you should be anything-ing. The work of the graduate student is never done and he is never off the clock.

Add to this my general disdain for the work itself. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I never got to read about my interests because I was always trying to bulldoze through my reading for courses, courses that didn't really interest me at all. And, if I'm being honest, I'm just tired of academic work. Taking endless notes, comprehending and comparing theories, generating your own. Yeah, I guess I burned out.

So when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I had to work for the Camel job last night, and then pull a double today, I just remember how much better it is than the alternative. And then I can sit back and relax. Everything's coming up roses. =)

Jobs, schmobs

2010-04-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

As per Amanda's request =), a new post. There's really not a whole lot to say right now. Hence the lack of post-age? But I am in the midst of training for a job that I really want (and have not gotten yet). I'm trying to be an instructor for the Princeton Review. They do SAT (and various other standardized test nightmares) prep courses. I really want this job. I think I would enjoy it as I loved teaching at Colorado. It also pays really well and is totally flexible. Plus, there's an opportunity to train to teach for other tests. So, the way I see it, in a little while if I decide I would like to go to law school I could train to teach the LSAT and then kick its ass (hopefully). I don't really have a great desire to go to law school. In fact, one of the best parts about my life is that, even though I'm struggling to get it together right now, I still would rather be doing this than school. My MA program was one of the most miserable things I've ever been through. However, given my financial strife, if I could get a phenom score on the LSAT and go to a school that would guarantee firms fighting over me when I got out, I would totally do that.

Whatever, we'll see.

Right now I'm just focusing on getting the job. And it's not easy. I'm learning the actual skills the prep courses teach at the same time I'm learning how to teach them. I'm just praying I get hired. I really need the job along with wanting it.

In addition to trying to do the homework and teaching prep for that, I'm also still on the Camel job and working at the coffee shop. Several coffee shops actually. I've been bouncing around to the Crazy Mochas that need me as of late. Hey, I'll take the money.

Health is going sooooo much better. I still have some rougher days. But the bad days now are better than the good days before. It's hard to imagine that only a couple of months ago I was having trouble walking and washing my face.

And, with that in mind, I registered for a bike ride through Yellowstone with Amanda, her boy friend, and her mom. It's not until September so I am hoping I am feeling up to it. I had to register for it now though because there are limited spots available. How awesome will a road bike ride through Yellowstone be?! I can't wait.

Right now I'm buried in errands and paperwork and phone calls to this and that institution. Deferring student loans, getting reimbursed for medical costs, dealing with my screwed up taxes (yeah, not one but two of my employers sent my local income tax to Pittsburgh, even though it says right on the damn form that my address is Ambridge. lame.) I do love crossing things off the to-do list though. At least I get to feel productive.

The most exciting thing in the immediate (or relatively immediate) future is my weekend trip to NYC for Justin's birthday party extravaganza. And it will be an extravaganza, make no mistake. Playing Assassin in Queens dressed as super-sexy, head-to-toe black and fishnet sporting, well, assassins. Yeah, can't wait. =)

In the meantime it's all about landing this job (can you tell I'm fixated on it?). I'll keep you posted on the progress. ;)

Health Care

2010-03-22T18:16:00.001-07:00

(This post is in response to a thread of facebook comments following a status of mine which read: "Shannon Dickerson is happy about the health care bill--step in the right direction--but saddened as well. How can people think that giving up a small portion of their large incomes to help improve the lives of many others is a bad thing?"
Apparently, many people do.)

I just don't understand. Do you hear yourselves? "Because it isn't their money." You're right. I mean, if you're looking for me to factually disprove you, I can't. There is no debate strategy I can use to prove you wrong. The fact that you can say that with a straight face and mean it and not think that you are a self centered person who is in the moral wrong shows that there is nothing I nor anyone else can say to sway your position. We just see the world differently. You look at your business and say, 'oh, woe is me! The liberals are taking my money and building roads and schools and providing health care to the impoverished!' I look at you and say, 'wow, good for you. You have a business. Yes, you are very smart. And obviously hard-working. And fortunate. You can afford to help those who do not have their own businesses.' What you don't seem to comprehend is that the people this bill will provide health care for are also smart and hard-working. You're right, though; they are different from you. They are not fortunate. Are you so naive as to think that if you work hard and do all the right things that life will just work out for you? Do you honestly tell yourselves that those who can't afford a heart transplant don't deserve it? I'll tell you who one of those "slackers" are, Ryan. Me. Shannon Dickerson, MA, University of Colorado. That's right, that old slacker with a Master's Degree. Who got it while in more physical and emotional pain than you will likely ever endure, at least not in your youth. You know I only missed one class that semester I got sick. One. And it was because I had a bad reaction to the vicodin they prescribed me to ease some of my undiagnosed suffering. When I graduated, I got two jobs (soon to be three; I start training this weekend) and I have since taken off 1 day of work from my illness, but that was only when I got the flu on top of this disease. I was more worried about having a pre-existing condition on my medical record than I was about my comprehensive exams my last semester of school. Because when I graduated and lost my health care I knew that if I were branded with Lupus or Schleroderma or Rheumatoid Arthritis--diseases which can require thousands a month in prescription drugs--I would never be able to even get approved for private health insurance, even if I could afford it, which I couldn't. And can't. Even now working two jobs and living at home my father pays for my health insurance. Let me just recap this for you, since you're so quick to judge with your snide remarks and thoughtless comments. I had to wake up two hours early for work to have enough time to get myself ready in the morning, because my joints simply did not work. And I worked seven days a week at two different jobs. And I could not afford my own health care. In addition to this I lived in fear every day that when I finally did have an answer and knew what was wrong with me it would haunt me for the rest of my life because if I ever lost my coverage and couldn't find a good job with benefits, as many Americans cannot right now, I would not be able to afford to live. And you sit there with your big savings account and your relatively privileged life and your good fortune and good health and cast judgement on people you've never even met--and those you supposedly call friend!--and call them "slackers"!? Well, I seem to have talked myself into a circle because all there is to say is what I began with. There is nothing I can say to share my point of view with you. You don't want it. You don't want anything that doesn't directly benefit you. Excuse me for not holding a moment of silence for the lost dollar of the rich. Forgive me for giving a fuck about the needs of those outside of myself. And, for the love of god, have mercy on me for seeing this as anything more than a remake of Robin Hood. You do seem to be the one in a position to cast judgement; you're the one with the money, after all.

My Li'l Cuz is Married!!!!!!!!

2010-03-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

Milestone! My little cousin--the one Gina and I would always play games with and always make lose, the one two years my junior, the last of the Provenzano cousins--has tied the knot. I'm so happy for him and his new bride, Katie, who I don't know very well but whom is a lovely girl. I'm also sad, of course. Something about weddings always makes me cry, and it's not tears of joy. It's that bittersweet cry that's celebration coupled with a solemn acknowledgment of the swift passing of time. There's something especially striking about someone younger than myself getting married. It means I'm getting old. Not, "why, in my day" old, but not a child anymore old, none the less. It's a special and remarkable day. One worth jotting a word or two about. Congratulations Justin and Katie. I wish you many happy years.

I Don't Understand God

2010-03-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

I don't understand God. Why it is I am so convinced of the very existence of a God to begin with, I couldn't tell you. Manolis would say I am genetically predisposed to. And I am happy to accept this. But still, the fact remains that I do--unabashedly--believe in God.

And this leaves me abandoned in a desert of despair with more questions than answers, and more fear than consolation.

Many people know several pieces of my story. It's funny because very few (I can count on one hand) understand the journey in its entirety. I don't think that I am special or unique in any way. No, not even in my self-described and utter lack of understanding of God and God's devices do I wander into the possibilities of predetermination or the notion of "chosen ones." However, I do believe that my experiences are somewhat different from the norm, perhaps even rare. Maybe you will disprove me on this. No matter. My experiences are my own and if there is one thing we can all observe about people, it's this: their experiences inform their perceptions. To a fault.

I was brought up in a home that was socially religious. That is, religion, specifically Christianity (more specifically Methodism) was a social entity. It was not personal, it was not pressing. Each and every Sunday morning we would dress in our best (lacy dresses and patent leather shoes for me) and, weather permitting, walk the block down to the little white steepled Methodist church that was pastored by our across-the-street neighbor and my best friend's father. My dad headed the men's group. I looked forward each year to the summer picnic at the Reagal's farm. It was a simple life. It was a better life.

My parents divorced. My mom found Jesus. She and I drifted apart. Less because of her new found love of something beyond this world and more because of my tweenage rebellion. I dabbled in Wicca (for attention sake, nothing more) and headed off to high school, a bonafide outcast.

Then came Young Life, and Chelsea, and Born Again. I made a new best friend in high school. To this day I still cherish the time Chelsea and I spent together. I think she always had a good radar for bullshit, but her quiet, unimposing nature allowed this natural gift to be squandered by her relatively dumb ass, pubescent companions. Still, she played a key role in the Christifying of Miss Dickerson, as she asked me innocently one Friday afternoon if I would accompany her to Fall Weekend, a Christian retreat sponsored by Young Life. I obliged, and that weekend changed me quite literally forever. My high school years were spent immaturely vacillating wildly between the extremes of perfect lamb and sinful doer. I can't completely blame myself. After all, I had friends convincing me that kissing my senior prom date after the dance was selfish behavior which was not "glorifying to God." Then again, I can't claim total innocence. I was always up for whatever was the going trend. Don't get me wrong, I believed what I said, but I didn't really challenge it very much either.

College. It practically came and went. Whereas for most people it is among the highlights of their existence and among the most meaningful instances of personal development, for me it was all kind of an angry blur. This is not to minimize the important people who played a role in my life at this time, nor to discredit their efforts and contributions to my life. But, quite honestly, I look back on my college days as one might reflect on the scheme a con artist has just pulled on them at the moment they stand somewhat shocked and amazed in the steamy dim light of a street lamp, scratching their head and wondering, "What just happened?" I felt as though I had been duped, by religion, by people, and most certainly by God.

I left the college of my dreams that most people only imagine reading an acceptance letter from because I believed God was leading me on another, more worthy path. There are days I still wonder what would have been had I only stuck it out--even as little as another semester--to see what was in store for me. What's done is done. I'm past all that now. But let us not lose sight of the fact that the sacrifices on my part were real and they were great. I was committed. I held up my end of the deal.

I got to Pitt and subsequently joined Joyful Noise. To this day I cannot tell you whether Joyful Noise lands a spot on the best or worst things that have ever transpired in my life. And I say this with the most biting sincerity. I simply don't know.

You see, from day one of my inception I was a struggler with the faith. I was one of those who became accustomed to the concept of stumbling block. That's the catchy term (popular American Christianity has a lot of these) used to describe things that make one "fall" away from or on the path of one's faith. In the early days, they were more tangible. Cute boy, bitchy friend, rated R movie, you get the idea. As time went on, my stumbling blocks became more personal, more real, and more intellectual. I learned that as I began to search for understanding in places that were more of the church of historical fact rather than the house of God, well, the Gospel I had once put all of my faith in was starting to look less iron clad and more like Swiss cheese.

Now, mind you, I still did not take this as a failure on the part of Christianity, but rather chocked it up to my own shortcomings. My lack of faith, my sinful curiosity fueled by none other than Satan, no doubt. So, because of this, I was very influenced by those who I interpreted to be more solid in the faith, namely those Christian companions I acquired in my college extra-curriculars. Little did I know at the time that the successful Christian did not have more faith, merely more ability to hide her lack of faith. Silly me. I was busy going around telling people how I really felt and--more importantly (and probably threateningly)--thought about things. This resulted in letting everyone know who the weak (and, let's be honest, less popular) Christian was, thus giving more power to the personalityless stuffed-shirts who sat tight lipped and all-knowing in the corners. (Yes, there is one specific person I'm referring to here. Yes, this may be a cheap jab. So sue me; I'm bitter.)

Important disclaimer: In no way were the people (99% of them) of Joyful Noise bad people. No, no, no. To this day many of them I consider to be very close friends, sources of wisdom, and just all around decent men and women. It just turns out that on the hindsight tour of my life Joyful Noise ends up functioning as a single symbolic entity rather than a group of individuals. This disclaimer is my best effort to 1.) ward off any negative feelings that may detract from the overarching purpose of this memo and 2.) keep from any unintended insult that could result. Please try to understand my portrait of the group as a literary device and not an accurate depiction of any one (or several) person (people).

To get us back on track, what I am saying is, I was having an emotional and intellectual crisis of faith. A relationship with a good and non-religious (those terms are independent of each other) man coupled with relocating across the country for graduate school landed me happily in the religious free zone, or at least in the no outward religious practice zone. I balanced this lifestyle with attending church in Boulder, Colorado for the duration of my stay there. I even became a member of the congregation and joined the choir. Still I maintain that, next to personal relationships, First Congregational Church was the best thing to happen to be in my brief stint in the West.

And now, here I am. Nearly a year back home and on my way back to health. I am standing close to the other side of darkness now, full recovery in sight, and I am no closer to understanding life, or God, or meaning, or purpose...I thought milestones like this were supposed to bring clarity. I mean, isn't that the reward for all this suffering? "Well, pain stole a year of my life but hey, at least I figured out the meaning of it!" No, at least not for me. I am still just as lost and confused as ever, perhaps even more so. The only things I can say for myself are these. I have lost some of the drive, at least, to actively search for answers. I am quite content to have them come to me, revealing theirselves as the burning bush did to Moses, but as far as getting more degrees in Religion and Rhetoric, engaging in debates with my devout Christian friends, and spending hours pouring over religious texts and boasted religious texts, I'm good.

Why then write this sophomoric treatise on Shannon and religion? I guess a few reasons. Firstly, I like writing, and not being in school I get little chance or excuse to do so. Second, just because I'm not searching for answers doesn't mean I'm not permanently mulling over the questions. And thridly, because intelligent dialogue is all but absent from my daily life and I welcome the opportunity for such a discussion to take place (hence the public nature of a blog rather than a journal entry).

I will end with this. Although the past 14 months gave me seemingly zero answers in the God department, they did provide me with ample insight into the life department. And though I have trouble separating the two topics, they have most definitely separate identities. So this I will say and say it boldly. I appreciate life and youth with a ferver I had never known before. To wake up without pain, even every other day as it is at this point, is the greatest fortune. I wish for everyone this simple circumstance: to never know the pain I have, and to never be without the appreciation I've been allowed.

Where God fits into that I really may never know. But I know God does fit into that, so really, how far am I from where I began?

Keepin' It Real

2010-03-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

I feel an apology for my extended absence would serve no real purpose as my posts have become seemingly more and more infrequent, and--let's be honest--no one is exactly salivating in anticipation for the next daily vanity installment.

So here I am, two full months into a new year and a new decade with a lot more promise than the last (year, at least). With a diagnosis of my illness came new found hope and a reenergization that was greatly needed to say the least. Under treatment, my pain has largely subsided, and even though two months in there continue to be good and bad days, I am thankful for being able to get out of bed in the morning tear free. The promise of a full recovery is there. It can't come fast enough.

Partial reason for the lack of postings has been health (specifically blah) related, but there's some fun excuses too, like the fact that Manolis has been spending the past three weeks with me! I've barely parted from him enough to make a phone call or update the facebook. The only reason I'm finding myself with time to fill right now is that I'm working at the Cranberry Crazy Mocha and he's hijacked my car to watch the Arsenal (his football club) at Piper's Pub in the South Side. He departs Tuesday and even though I am sad to see him go, especially because the dates of my next visit to see him are up in the air, there is some comfort in the knowledge that with better health comes greater responsibility and expectation. I need to use this time to get into gear, bust ass, and land a decent paying job.

The job search is so depressing. Apply, apply, apply and not even so much as a rejection. Did you get my resume? Apparently you do need to hire someone since you don't even have enough manpower to forward a prepared rejection notice. Fuck.

I really have a lot to be thankful for, though, even in the employment department. You see, I'm on a very strict budget and I need to make a specific (and somewhat astronomical given the circumstances) amount of cash a month to keep the bill collectors at bay. Between the student loans rollin' in (and f u Sallie Mae), the car payment skyrocketing after that major repair resulting in me taking out a greater loan, and the debt of good times past, I'm barely making it by the skin of my teeth. That said, the moment my hours get cut at my good paying job, the lesser gig steps up and needs me working more hours. I'm not cruising comfortably in the search for a career, but I am making it. And that's saying a lot.

Sometimes I am amazed at the sheer amount of thinking the human mind can accommodate. Between worrying about my health and just remembering all of the things I have to do related to it (don't even get me started on insurance companies), finances, job search, relationships, etc., I still find the time to reflect on my age and the passing seasons of one's life. Yeah, you're right, cut through the bs. What I'm saying is all my friends and family are getting married and having babies--all of them. And it's not freaking me out, and it's not making me feel like that's what I need to be doing. But it is making me think. A lot. And about a lot of things. The passing of time is relentless; all succumb to its power. I just hope I'm doing the best with what I've got because one thing is for sure, there are no sure things. And there's especially no second chance for your use of time. I worry about being caught up in the minor details that are practically designed to suck the life out of you. It's a shame things are the way that they are. We really do work so hard and certainly not only professionally. I just hope there's a good return...

Pens 2 Detroit 1

2010-02-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

I flew to Kansas City, Missouri via Detroit on Monday morning for a doctor's appointment. To my delight, this was on display at the airport.

I <3 Pittsburgh.

Milestone

2010-01-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

Busy little beaver me has allowed a major even in my life to breeze by without so much as a word on the blog.

Last Monday, January 11th, after over a year of wondering, I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Finally I know what is wrong with me. Finally, a little clarity.

Perhaps it's fitting and even a little kind of fate to have the onset of this disease and its diagnosis happen in two Januaries a year apart. It allows me to reflect on my struggles with it in a somewhat easier manner, compartmentalizing 2009 as a year of ups and downs.

Think about it. The Steelers win their 6th Super Bowl, the Penguins return for a Stanley Cup rematch and walk away the victors in a season I began with them across an ocean. I finished my Master's degree despite turmoil and near depression. My mom got a job, a good job, and I moved home to Pittsburgh--much desired and deserved! I traveled to Denmark and Las Vegas (several times) and met the man of my dreams who also landed me in London and all new territories when it comes to partners and companionship.

But, the counter to these great things was heavy and at times nearly unbearable. They say you aren't handed more than you can handle. I say, define handle.

I suffered pain I'd never know with little rest or reprieve. I couldn't sleep through the night and was terrified for an entire semester that there was no possible way I could pass my comprehensive exams in that condition. I had my palms injected so that my fingers would work so I could type my answers for my comps questions and my final papers. I did not miss a single day of teaching, and only one class, and that was not because of pain, but due to the effects of taking vicodin for the first time, which did not ease my aching in the least. Many days I could not tie my shoes, turn the ignition in my car, or get myself ready in the morning. I had good days, but all these seemed to do was undermine my position as those people who saw me said, she's not really sick.

Through all of this, the most painful thing has been knowing that there are people--even people close to me--who simply do not understand. They think I am weak, the pain's not really that bad. They think I am pity seeking, who wouldn't take advantage? They think I'm a liar, what could be that bad? It hurt so much and really, always will.

But I am grateful. Very grateful. Because I know what it's like now. And you cannot unless you've been there. You can't know what it feels like to miss your friend's goodbye party or go to bed at 10 when you're on vacation, or be embarrassed to try and open a water bottle in front of people you don't know very well until you've been there. I always thought I understood. Watching my dad with rheumatoid all my life. Seeing his struggle. I thought I was pretty empathetic, that I got it more than most.

No, no I didn't. But I do now. And I will forever have that perspective that is, to me, invaluable. I'll take all the good I can get.

Miami, trick

2010-01-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

Allow me to chronicle my epic New Years/Ultimate Pittsburgh fan trip to Miami, FL here since, thanks to a technological blunder, there are next to zero photo captures remaining of it.

Sad face.

So, I will rely on my prolific writing abilities to create a more vibrant and expressive album than any 6.0 megapixles ever could.

Morning. Wednesday. Momma so kindly drops me at the airport on her way to work. Ryan, my traveling companion for the next 7 days, is awaiting me inside the entrance. Like the seasoned travelers we are, no bag check required, and Ry-ry had wisely checked-in via the internet the night before. We cruised through security and plopped our asses at the gate. Without question, a rendition of Will Smith's Miami got its fair share of airplay on the soundtrack to our lives.

Two flights later (with a brief stint in Atlanta) we found ourselves in the hot bed of Florida sun, sand, and sexy motherfuckers: South Beach. Obviously, we felt at home.

The hostel was jammin'. Upon check-in we were greeted by a hip, friendly staff, clean and respectful roommies, and outgoing fellow travelers. The Jazz Hostel on South Beach (bringin' the heat) was the shit, if you will. In addition to the aforementioned points of positivity, the location was also bomb. Two blocks from the ocean and just on the edge of all the hot shops, clubs, bars, restaurants, and hotels that make South Beach what it is.

Day one was relaxed. We hit the sand and a TGIFridays and called it a night early. We did venture out briefly for a couple of drinks but found out quick enough that $12 a drink was the going rate, and that it was a little too rich for our hostel-staying pockets.

My illness definitely left me on the outside at times when I turned in at 10 pm while the party hadn't even started yet most nights. Somehow, I didn't miss it. I was there to take what I wanted and let the rest go. A new feeling for this girl, who's used to needing to be the center of attention and living in fear of missing out on anything--anything.

Day two: New Years Eve. This is the first time in my life I have been somewhere warm for NYE, and I took full advantage. A comfy mid/high 70's allowed for Ryan and myself to spend the daylight hours on the beach, even taking a shivery dip! The night was open and we discovered that our hostel was a hot spot in its own right, what with $1 drinks and a happening crew. I hit up some Mikes Hard Lemonade in the lobby, watched fire works on the beach at midnight with a few delightful Swedish ladies, and headed back to the Jazz before calling it a year around 2:30 in the morning.

The next two days were relatively uneventful, but certainly enjoyable. Filled with new friends from all over the world, a couple of Mike's, and two spiffy clubs (a mere $5 entrance fee for the hostelers =D)

Finally, what we'd been waiting for: SUNDAY. I woke up early (in the dress I'd been wearing the night before, with soaking wet hair...no, I have no idea either), tossed on my Pens t-shirt and Steelers jersey, and Ry-ry and I hit up a cab to the local enterprise to pick up our Hyundai Accent: our whip for the next twenty-four hours. Getting to the stadium was a fiasco all its own. but we made it, and pulled into the parking lot just in time to hear "We Are the Champions" on the radio.

Classic.

More to come on the big games and the rest of the trip in a future post. Gonna make this a two-parter. Gotta keep you on your toes and all.

Long December...

2009-12-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

...and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

How true.

December was good though. Very good. Manolis spent the entire month with me--almost. He ducked out on Christmas Eve in an effort to spend some semblance of time with his family in Cyprus for the holidays. But, while he was here, we really enjoyed the time that we had. Pens game, shopping, Mo-town visit, meeting every friend and family member I could squeeze into a 20 day stay, eating out, cherishing each other's company. Yes, yes. A very nice time.

Now I'm trying to not worry too much about how long it will be until I see him again, and buckle down to get my finances in order in the next year, and focus on my health, and on my upcoming mini-adventure in Miami! =)

That's right, Wednesday I'll be heading to the Sunshine State to take in some New Year's mischief, a Pens game or two, the final Steeler game of the regular season, and some much desired warmth and relaxation.

Only a brief update. I just got off work and it's late. More to come. Check out photos!

Ode to Soy Milk

2009-11-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

Aight, here's the deal. There are two reasons to give up dairy, and here they are.

1. It's bad for you. No, really. It's bad for you. Think about it for a second. No animal (outside of humans) drinks milk after infancy. And no animal drinks the milk of another animal. The following stats vary depending on what study you read, but it is true that humans have a lot of trouble digesting dairy. Nearly 40% of Whites are lactose intolerant. And the percentage jumps significantly for Latinos/Hispanics, Africans/African Americans, and others identifying as Black, and Asians (with nearly 90% of Asians having difficulty digesting dairy products). People say, "Oh, it tastes good. I love milk. I can't live without cheese..." Well, yeah, I get it. We've been raised with it. It's in most prepared food and, especially when you consider butter, it's very difficult to avoid. But none of that is evidence to the contrary of my point. Oh, and that, Milk, it does a body good bull shit? The FDA has an interest in dairy farms doing well, not in our health. Now, I know that's going all conspiracy theory. But seriously, what's the last drug they approved that didn't cause strokes or destroy your liver? In a for-profit world you gotta take responsibility for your own health and education. Government organizations aren't going to do it for you. (No, conservatives, that's not to be taken out of context and used as an argument against universal health care. We can have that discussion at a later date.)Bottom line: soy for your health.

2. Animal cruelty is very bad. Now, if you're not interested in this, or don't care about this point I can't make you. But, if that is an issue to you, so much so that you're interested in not eating meat, then you really want to go vegan, not simply vegetarian. Animals are treated with horrific cruelty at mass dairy production facilities (and egg collection facilities--again, another conversation), just as bad as slaughter houses, and arguably worse being that in dairy production they're used over and over again. They are pumped so full of hormones that milk literally fills their entire bodies because there is no place for it to go. It seeps out of orifices including their eyes. Their utters are never disconnected from the machines that pump them, and they become open sores which ooze puss and infection. Not only is the pain excruciating, but this is also a bullet under point 1. It's unhealthy for the people who drink it. It is estimated that around 95% of milk on American grocery shelves has detectable traces of puss. Makes you think twice about the milk mustache.

So, for these reasons, soy milk and soy in general as a replacement for dairy is a healthy and morally responsible choice. Here's to soy milk. Woo hoo.

(P.S. Caleb I love you, and your rants. Seriously. I'm also just passionate about certain things.)

London, England

2009-11-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life I can actually say that I needed a vacation.

And I got one.

Manolis and I had the most wonderful time. We spent every waking moment together, joined at the hip. I got to meet his brother and his brother's girlfriend, who Manolis lives with. We ate at this delightful vegetarian restaurant called Tibits (so adorable!), went to Bristol--home of his alma mater--for a day, saw Wicked, visited the Absolut Ice Bar, went to great pubs and exotic restaurants, took funny, touristy photos, and just genuinely enjoyed enjoyed each other's company.

It was the nicest 9 days I've had in a while. And with working 7 days a week, and all the pain and health bs lately, it was even nicer to have that much deserved break.

Now I'm jut looking forward to his visit in December!!! =)

How Things Are Goin'

2009-10-20T11:35:00.001-07:00

Work:
Since August I've been working two jobs. Promo Wednesday-Saturday, Crazy Mocha Saturday-Tuesday. Enjoy them both a lot, but do not get paid enough and would very much like real job, normal schedule, benefits, and, well, yeah, to get paid more. =)

Friends:
Amanda's wonderful weekend visit was this past Friday to Sunday. Not enough time, but so nice to see her! We frolicked about the 'burgh in some of the most miserable weather Western PA could throw at us. I miss her already.

Travel:
Headed to London on Sunday. I know, it's been a long time (by Shannon standards). Looking forward to getting my ass off this continent for a li'l while. The 10ish days away are a much needed retreat.

Health:
Nothing to report. Still sick. No improvement. Still hopeful.

Schpiel:
Balance is the name of the game right now, and I don't have it. And the department that is suffering is definitely in my personal relationships. I just cannot be there as much as I want to be for the people in my life. Between working every single day and not feeling like doing anything when I'm not I am finding it impossible to keep in touch, catch up, and attend all the things I so desire to. I feel as though I am in a major transitional stage, but instead of it lasting a couple of months until I move home from grad school and get settled into a job and a place, I'm looking at a year or more of struggling financially and physically.

the Plan:
My desire is to land a job, a regular old 9-5 that pays around $35,000 a year. And stay in said job for a year. In that year, stay at home, pay off most of my debt (student loans will be around for a while...), and get healthy (I believe this can happen). At that point move to Tokyo for a year of teaching English. This can be followed by any number of delightful adventures, including snagging an Americorps position in the Pacific Northwest or moving to LA with friends. I'd still really like to be a roadie for a not so notable punk, rock, indie, hardcore, or whatever the fuck band. =) (Musicians will be jumping at the chance to hire me with that attitude.)

Tidbit:
I took a quiz about what kind of person you are in Oprah magazine (don't judge me!) and the results were scary-right. Here it is:

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Well, that's me for sure. How funny.

In the Event of a Fire...

2009-10-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

...please do not use the elevators.

Don't ask me. I just wanted to write that.

I'm sitting at Crazy Mocha, Oakland (because, when I worked at Starbucks I was a patroning the shit out of their various locations as well), staring at this big painted map mural of sorts and trying to identify all of the countries to which I've been. And feeling a little douchy about it, because really, what jackass sees the world on a wall and can only think of its relation to himself? "Oh look, the whole fucking planet! Let's think of me, now, shall we?"

Anyway, it makes me think of my upcoming trip to London, and I'm pretty excited about that, I must say. You know what confuses the hell out of me? The United Kingdom. Just when I think I have it down, it goes all wonky on me again. Like, what the crap? England is a country, so is Scotland. Wales and Northern Ireland too. Ok, got it. And the UK is this sovereign state governing body thing that connects them all. And Great Britain is...what exactly? I'm sure I could Wikipedia this shit and have my answers in a matter of moments, but I've looked this up before and I always just lose myself halfway. Somehow anything beyond countries and continents is beyond me. Hello ugly American syndrome. Now, if England, Scotland, Wales, and N.I. were states, I'd be all over that. ;)

Things are better. Better than my last post. I'm not really feeling better physically, but that's really not what's important. It's keeping handle on yourself despite environmental setbacks. I think back to my Christian past and I do seem to find some positive applicable things amidst all the drama. (Actually, most of it is valuable and reasonable...just not executed well by people. Typical.) But yes, I remember distinctly being told to be joyful in the Lord. You will be happy and sad as you go through life. Because you're human and that's how that works. But to remain joyful is to be more Godly than worldly.

I like that. I believe that. Asking myself about my emotional foundation rather than fretting over my emotional state is a net positive, I believe. And more effective too.

So, a second ago I went on this long rant about being self conscious and wanting people to like me. Then I deleted it because it was dumb. Just thought you should know. We operate under an open and honest policy here.

Mmmmmm, Sushi Boat. Did you know that the avocado roll is still only TWO NINETY-FIVE?! Holy crap, Sushi Boat, why don't you just go down on me? Same effect. You can't get a gosh-darn latte for $2.95 (especially not a soy one...damn vegans). This is unprecedented. I love you, sweet, sweet Pittsburgh, despite your piss poor decision making demonstrated in bringing the G20 Suck-it to town. It's ok, at least two people I know got arrested and that's funny at least.

Wow, ok, no crazy stream-of-consciousness freewrite going on here, folks. Move along. I'm going to shut up before I hurt myself.

Venting

2009-09-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Thought the worst was over, but it was just beginning.

Today was a really bad day. I don't like to classify entire days like that too much, because you only get so many and I like to find the good in as much as possible, but today, despite it's good moments, sucked major ass.

First, I woke up (like usual since mid-August) in terrible pain. The kind where you just think, forget it. Nothing is worth getting out of bed today. But then you realize that laying down isn't particularly comfortable either, and you actually feel better as you get moving and the day rolls on.

So, I skype with Manolis (bright spot in the day), then shower. Then (and here's one of those low, felling sorry for myself moments. They're rare, but they happen.), I went to wash my face, but I couldn't. My hands were so weak and hurt so badly that I could not squeeze the bottle hard enough to get any facewash out of it. I tried everything. Sitting it on the corner of the sink and leaning on it, biting it, pushing it up against my jaw with my wrist. And I realized that I could not do it; I could not wash my face. How much more of a mundane, routine task could there be? And I couldn't accomplish it.

So I sat on the floor and cried.

Like that was going to help anything.

Got to work at the coffee shop. Found out I had to work another promo shift tonight. Ok, cool. Thought that was all behind me, but whatever. As long as they were cool with me coming down when my other job was over, what was the big deal?

Well, without disclosing too many details, the night was awful. NO ONE wanted what I was handing out. I needed a relatively large number of names. The bars were all dead (because it's Monday). And they had all been hit by other reps already anyway because I got down there later than everyone else.

So, in a moment of desperation I texted my boss, boss. Not my team leader, but my above that person boss. Stupid. No response and I'm sure I just annoyed her. I ended up leaving around midnight with half the names I needed. Completely depressed that I failed at what I was assigned to do. Stressed that I may have pissed people off. Scared that it could potentially threaten my future at this job. And irritated that I am out doing a job that is not technically what I was hired for on a night I don't work without fair warning or any support.

Bad day.

On top of everything else, there are so many people I want to hang out with, catch up with, or call who I just haven't because I've been running like crazy and I feel terrible about it. Who wants to be a bad friend to the people they care about.

Oh, and my car (the one that just got a $3,100 repair. No I'm not kidding.) has been making a noise since I picked it up from the shop on Thursday, so it's going back in tomorrow morning. And they better fix whatever is wrong without charging me if they know what's good for them, because I am a woman on fire just looking for the wrong person to mess with me.

So, as promised, this is nothing but some mindless venting. But I needed it and am pretty unapologetic for it at this point. Just sorry if you read it all. Maybe next time I'll offer up some thoughtful insight on existence and the universe.

Money, Money, Money...MONEY!

2009-09-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

Working like crazy right now. Covering shifts for Crazy Mocha (oh yeah, I work there) and then there are the crazy shifts for the other job due to the G20 suck-it as I've taken to calling it. So, basically, here's the rundown.

Work promo gig Friday night til 1am, Crazy Mocha 8-4, promo 9-1, then again with the coffee shop today 3-9:30. After I close here I have to go somewhere (anywhere) to do yet another promo shift, and get done as soon as I get my numbers, but on a Sunday night who knows when that will be...then Crazy Mocha tomorrow and Tuesday 4-close, with promo starting again Wednesday night.

Blah, what a week.

And, even given all of that, I'll actually be making less money than usual because we're not making up all of the hours that we missed Wednesday and Thrusday due to G20. Grrrr...

So, that's what's up. I'll take it though. Honestly, when I think back to the Comm Dept at CU, I'll take working two part time jobs with a Master's Degree. Whatev. Anything's better than being out there.

That said, I do miss so many people. I can't wait for Amanda to come visit (October 16th!!), and I honestly would love to go back for a visit sometime. I'm sure Boulder could be quite enjoyable without the stress of the department. =) Would like to experience that.

Giving a lot of thought to my life and the process in general. Obviously the level of cliche-ity of the phrase "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is off the charts. However, the accuracy of that statement is not to be messed with. I am the biggest appreciator of life ever. Hands down. But never, ever did I (nor could I) truely appreciate waking up each morning without pain. Every day is a struggle now. Simple tasks seem daunting. And even things I look forward to (going to visit Manolis in October!!! =D) are met with at least some hesitation as I wonder how well I'll be and how much I'll really be able to do "normal" things.

It's really discouraging to know how well I was in June and July then to totally relapse in August for seemingly no reason and with no improvement in sight. I have lost no hope. I have great resolve that I will be well again, but the daily grind can certainly get to you at times.

In the meantime, those able should come and visit me at Crazy Mocha in Cranberry! =) What in the world would you rather be doing?

Chillin' with No Make-up On

2009-08-25T13:48:00.001-07:00

On the front porch with my dad, just hanging out. Thought I would take a picture for the fun of it since I never use my computer's camera and I also remarkably do not look like shit even though I just rolled out of bed today.

I feel absolutely terrible. One of the bad days. I think I should start dedicating this blog to chronicling the battle with my illness. Each day a new adventure. Or just start a new one for that sole purpose.

Everything is swollen, everything hurts. Sharp pain in my shoulders, weakness and aching in my extremities.

Autoimmune diseases can suck it, that's what I say.

In one of my more pathetic moments, I woke up today to a text from Manolis and just started bawling, but I didn't know if it was because I was sad that he is so far away or that I am 24 years old and in too much pain to reply to his message.

All in all, wasn't the best morning, but at least I felt better after a phone call this afternoon. =)

It's All Greek To Me

2009-08-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

You have to experience the valleys to appreciate the peaks.

Well, coming off this weekend I plummeted from my mountain top like a kamikaze pilot in his final descent.

Today was the hardest. I am going to tell myself that today was the hardest. It doesn't get worse from here, only better.

But how do you pick up the pieces when nothing has shattered?

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in a plan. But I do believe in good things happening. Period. That's what happened to me, a good, good thing.

A good, good thing that has left me in a sad, sad place. And, because I am strong, I smile because it happened...

...but the tears do stream as well.

Vegas 2.0

2009-08-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Don't even try and tell me this isn't the most fabulous photo you've ever seen. Cause it is.

Vegas 2.0 was (if you can believe it) even better than the first time around. Matching outfits, crazier stories, hotter boys. ;) Unbelievable.

I even became a tad bit smitt'n over a special somebody. Oh, being young and care free. How sweet it all is!

Old Habits Die Hard

2009-08-03T20:37:00.001-07:00

Was talking to Ethan today.

Correction.

I was bitching with Ethan today.

It's his birthday (Happy B-day!) so I gave him a long over due ring-a-ling and we started chatting about everything and nothing, the usual. And then, as if nothing had ever changed, picked right up where we left off bitching about the department (that which neither of us is any longer a part of). It was delightful, I must say. I don't know that I've ever found myself so on the same page with another person. Our opinions just align; our senses of humor mesh. I wish all people had a b.s.-ing buddy as in sync as I do. I had nearly forgotten the pleasure and release I have when sitting down with him over a Starbucks beverage to talk about how much we hate republicans, and--even more so--democrats. It's a bright spot in my life.

All hail cynicism, the new positivity.

The Days Fly By

2009-08-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

Got my diploma today. Officially a jack of all trades, Master of Arts now. ;)

Went on a decent warm-up bike ride yesterday. about 15 miles. The goal is to be doing 60+ by the time Amanda gets here in early August.

So much exciting stuff coming up! Vegas 2.0 with my Boulder girls. OBX with Justin, Barbara, Buddy and others in tow. The Great Race (10k) in September. AND, the world's most exciting New Year's Adventure--EVER:

December 30th-January 5th

Wednesday--arrive in Miami, check into beach-front hostel, chill
Thursday--shopping, chilling, sightseeing!
Friday--night of mayhem as we ring in the new year in one of the nation's biggest party towns!
Saturday--trip it to Tampa for Pens vs. Lightening
Sunday--up early for the commute back to Miami. Steelers vs. Dolphins, baby. Woot! This followed by Pens vs. Panthers only 45 minutes later!
Monday--recovery day
Tuesday--back to the 'burgh after showing Floria what's up

Good times on a daily basis as well. My life is on continuous party/adventure it seems. After work last night Caleb and JFF hit me up for some old school South Side partying. We rocked out at Bar 11 (probably one of the best bars in the 'burgh currently), and reminisced.

It's Been a While

2009-07-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

The summer's going fast. Thought I would update before it's all over.

The NHL awards were incredible. Had one of the best times of my life. Meeting Ovechkin, Datsyuk, Mike Green, Bylsma, and getting to see Ray Shero again was like a total dream come true. Spending time with my friend Dawn (who I met in Stockholm) and her friends was pretty awesome too. =)

My 24th came and went. Dara was lovely enough to take me out to dinner and my parents had some really nice treats in store. Nothing too crazy.

Started my new job a few weeks ago and absolutely love it. Good times with great people and getting paid on top of it. Really can't be beat.

I bought the most beautiful road bike in the entire world and am obsessed with it. I hope to get in at least on triathlon before the season's over, but we'll see with my health the way it is...

That said, I have my second appointment with the specialist in Chi-town this Tuesday. I hope he sees something in my test results that points to what my problem is. I've been feeling much better (like night and day compared to the spring semester), but still not 100% by any means. I want to be all better. That's the goal and I have complete faith it will happen.

Mom's divorce is close to being finalized. They have agreed on a settlement and she's moving everything out of the house August 22nd. I am reminded of how blessed I am with wonderful friends as, since my mom cannot afford movers, about 12 of my friends (maybe more) from college, high school, Joyful Noise, EatnPark--everywhere--are coming to help out. It's really wonderful of them.

Just got back from a visit with Justin in NYC. Had a blast doing our usual: partying, drinking wine and playing cards, going to Olive Garden, being pampered, and taking our b&w photo shoot. Classic. Barbara and Buddy were spending the summer up there so I got to see them as well. I can't wait to be at the beach with all of them! A week of friends, drinking, and relaxation in paradise!

One of the main reasons I decided to update, however, was not on the joyous side of life. Yesterday, Caleb's friend Robby was found in his bed, unconscious and not breathing. No one even knows how he died yet. He was my age, in good health. It's just tragic. I hadn't talked to him for a while, mainly because I was upset with him over something rather petty. Now I am just devastated. Not that he and I were at all close. Acquaintances at best. But, you know, be careful how you treat people and how your pride allows you to act. You just never know. And people are worth so much more than foolishness. I was fortunate enough, however, to have him offer to help with my mom's move the day before he died. That was really moving to me. I don't know if he saw the response I posted thanking him for the offer and kindness, but it gives me some comfort at least. Some.

Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley, Pour Me the Brandy

2009-06-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I bawled like a baby when they did it, but I can't remember when I've been this happy.

Maybe it's the going in and out of the hospital twice (that's right, twice. I had a repeat episode on Wednesday--still don't know what's wrong) in one week.

Maybe it's being back in my hometown finally after a hellish last semester of graduate school.

Maybe it's the uncertainty my future between finding a job and getting my long-term health in order.

Maybe it's the fact that I started off the season with them in Stockholm for my very first live Penguins game and will finish it off next week with them in Las Vegas for the NHL Awards.

Maybe it's that I got to tell Ray Shero in person on October 5th at the Globen Arena thank you for all he has done with this team because it is so much more than hockey; it brings our city hope.

Whatever it is, I am completely overwhelmed and overjoyed. This has only strengthened my passion (obsession?) for reaching my ultimate goal of working in community relations for a professional sports team. Because I know that this is more than sports. It's bigger than a Stanley Cup, a Super Bowl Ring, or any other athletic honor bestowed upon the Steel City. It is the pulse of our city.

And I am damn proud to be a part of it.

LET'S GO PENS!

The Going Got Tough

2009-06-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had a horrible experience, both from my horrendous health issues and the hospital visit that resulted from them.

On Friday, fearing death from stomach and head pain that was like no other I have ever endured, I pulled over at a rest stop on 79 and called an ambulance for help.

I was admitted to St. Clair hospital where I stayed for three days.

I was feeling completely better, however, by the very next day. My doctor exuded a particularly shrewd beside manner, and I was skeptical about his diagnostic expertise.

Regardless, by Sunday night--two DAYS after admittance--everyone including the nurses were certain I would be discharged. I had felt fine for over 24 hours and had probably already been kept past a necessary staying period.

Dr. Lobur (but we could just call him "asshole") shows up late in the evening and informs me that I will not be discharged as a test result that was not to his liking had come back that afternoon.

I was furious for a number of reasons that I promise are legitimate (there are far too many details to list from this weekend here, and most are tangential to the point at best), and wanted to leave the hospital against medical advice, which is every patient's right.

I was dressed and ready to bounce out the do' when my mom brought it to my attention that insurance may not cover my costs if I opted to leave against doctor's orders. So, because of this, I was forced to stay.

Now, turns out this was not the case, and the next morning I did leave without official discharge, but no matter, here is the issue it raised:

Never in my adult life have I been rendered completely helpless in a situation I did not wish to be in because I could not financially afford to remove myself from it, or simply do whatever I wanted to do.

Pens game in Sweden? Four getaways to Las Vegas in less than one year? Michael Kors bag and matching flats to go with it? All done, because I wanted to, and I decided that I could.

Not here. Not in this situation. My ego was deflated, my will defeated. I could not afford to leave a hospital for fear of not being able to pay the bills.

And this terrified me.

I want to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, with whomever I want. That is true power over one's life. And I in no way feel that this should be the desire of all people, but I can tell you that I feel truly diminished without such control.

This experience shocked and depressed me like few others in the past have. It was a wake up call to so many things that I knew, but had never experienced. I want the power and influence that comes with financial stability and security. I want my significant other to play poker on Wednesdays with the board of directors of a hospital, because I wouldn't have had any trouble then.

I want a non-profit organization called the Pittsburgh Poverty Campaign that will work to end poverty in our region--but in a meaningful way. No band-aids, no shuffling. Partnerships and support from those people who matter who can really do things because they have all of the resources at their disposal.

I know one person, a veritable nobody, can make a difference. But I can't be that person.

I know I want to be that somebody who makes a difference. Starting right now, I will make sure ever step is aligned with that dream, is moving in that direction.

My New Favourite City in the World

2009-06-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2301603&id=14205063&l=964d5339be

Bah Hahahahahahaha!

2009-05-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

Seems that everything is back to normal:

Last night Julz and I, looking darling I might add, were bar hopping like crazy in desperate need of finding a happening place. On a Wednesday in the 'burgh, that's just not happening. We exhausted our resources in Oakland and Shadyside then headed to the logical last ditch location: the South Side.

Pittsburgh is the only place where nobody can be out and there is still no parking. So, we snatched a spot on a side street and bounced out the do'.

"That's such a cute place," Julie said of this modern, swank little condo.

"That's Max Talbot's place."

"Really?"

"No," I said, casually. "But he does live in the South Side and that place is pretty nice."

Just as I say this, a black Range Rover pulls into said condo's garage. Julie sneaks up to put the inside of the garage in her eyeline.

"I want to see if it's him," she whispered.

Now, there's no explanation for the next thing I say. A simple mind malfunction perhaps, but for some reason--even though I knew darn well there was a home game tomorrow I say, "Nah, they're in Carolina anyway." So, yeah, just ignore that...

Upon seeing only a leg and a flip-flop exit the car, Julie convincingly (and loudly) proclaims, "That's a chick."

I peer in for the first time in this whole ordeal, now met with the entire mystery figure--who looks directly back at me.

"No, that's Max Talbot."

And, with that, he closed the garage door.

Now, there's nothing particularly rock-star about this story. We didn't tell him off at a bar this time or anything. But, given that history, of all people, how funny was it to see him.

Also, the timing. We bar hopped like mad, just happen to park on that street across from his place as he was pulling in, and--obviously--one of the funniest parts of it all was that I have JUST SAID "Yeah, that's Max Talbot's place," in jest! Which was only prompted by Julie's admiration of the condo.

So, yeah. We still got it. That magical ability for everything to be funny, and for Max Talbot to be everywhere.

GRADUATION!

2009-05-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Official.

Jack of all trades, Master of Arts. ;)

Stoked.

No More Pencils, No More Books...

2009-05-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

Done! Just finished my last bit of grading. Woooooohooooo!

The Pens loss tonight put a damper on things, of course. But, really, being done with grad school is an event that is overrun with joy. All that remains now is packing, graduation, and moving my butt back to the 'burgh.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Cinco de Mayo tomorrow...do I smell a party?!

Thoughts of the Day

2009-05-02T17:23:00.001-07:00

The Caps can suck it.

Papers Down

2009-04-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

My last academic paper was turned in at 6:30 today.

Sweet.

Just grading to go. Final push!

Weekend Roundup

2009-04-26T18:38:00.001-07:00

On a walk with Marc, last Wednesday.

King's Cup party, Allison and I "riding a train," Friday. =)

Volunteered at the soup kitchen again today. I'm going to miss my church so much for so many reasons...

Weekend Warrior

2009-04-25T12:36:00.001-07:00

Party last night. Good times. I would post a picture or two, but, for some reason, my computer no longer recognizes my camera...slightly problematic.

Cleaning with Jen this morning. Listening to the Pens game currently (let's win it at their home!!!), and hopefully getting a little school work done later today.

How forward I am looking to moving home. And, with any luck, playoff hockey will still be happening in the 'burgh. I gotta go to at least one more game before the off-season. I'll just die if I don't!

Also looking forward to getting to some Pirate games. And, well, looking forward to EVERYTHING else that comes with moving home. I'm basically on auto pilot now. Just get through the next couple weeks. Take the good, but, really, purgatory continues. Here's to heaven, coming soon!

Nudder Tuesday

2009-04-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Got my comps paper back. So, I'm done with that. It's good. Done and done.

Now, 75 papers to grade, 2 papers to revise, finals to grade.

Then I'm REALLY done.

May 8th is only 17 days away!!!

Looking so forward to moving home, and Denmark, and summer, and a job, and NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 18 YEARS, and getting healthy, and grocery shopping, and learning French, and cooking, and golfing, and biking, and spending good time with my family, and getting a fish, and rearranging my room, and reading stuff I want to, and going to half off, and dressing up and getting cocktails, and being in Pittsburgh, and Las Vegas for the NHL awards, and Pirates games...this list could go on forever.

Beautiful.

Weekend of Awesomeness!

2009-04-20T07:49:00.000-07:00

Can we say "Let's Go Pens!"?

And, then, of course, Justin's b-day!

On to the wedding!

And, finally, OK Computer cover in Mo-town.

Good times, good times.

Feeling Pretty Good

2009-04-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

2 papers down. One will need significant work as it was only a draft, but hey, the main part is done. Have the rest of the semester to finish up that and rework another paper for the independent study, and that's pretty much it.

Feels nice.

In addition to that the Pens wiped the floor with the Flyers last night. Freaking sweet.

And now I have the most amazing weekend ahead of me. Woooooot!

Things are looking up.

YESSSSS!

2009-04-14T14:35:00.001-07:00

One Down, Two to Go

2009-04-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

Comps paper out of the way (hopefully). It's been submitted and will hopefully be accepted. ::fingers crossed::

I have another paper due tonight, but most people were asking to have an extra evening to work on it, so I will likely send that off tomorrow morning before tutoring. This one is interesting, but I've really just had it with school in general at this point.

Was supposed to go back to the gynecologist today as my pap came back abnormal last week (that's right, NOTHING in my body is functioning properly), but I canceled the appointment for a number of reasons. 1. My mom had some concerns. Paps come back abnormal a lot of times when there really isn't anything wrong. So, she feels like they should repeat that test before they go and take pieces of me for examination. 2. As has become the theme, if something really is wrong with me, I don't want to find out about it until June, when I have my more permanent insurance. Nothing like getting diagnosed with something a month before your insurance is dropped.

Soooo, that leaves me the day to write, write, write. After this paper is in, the week is hectic through Friday when I fly back to the 'burgh for a whirlwind weekend of wedding, party, and concert madness.

Upon arrival at Pittsburgh International at 1:30, I'll be whisked away to Oakland for rehearsal for the wedding (current and former Joyful Noise members are singing for it). That will just about take up up to the rehearsal dinner at 6:30. Afterward, I'll be heading down to Dallas Pike for Justin's birthday party, something I'm looking very forward to. Spend the night there and up bright and early to get back to Ambridge, ready myself for the shindig, and back down to Oakland where I may be meeting Eric for lunch, though I haven't heard anything back from him. The wedding's at 2:30, followed by a reception dinner that I will duck out of semi-early in order to hightail it down to Mo-town to hear several friends covering OK Computer for a benefit show. Crash on a couch and then back home for brunch with the fam and getting dropped off at the airport around 1:30.

Now that's a weekend to be proud of.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

Sang in two Easter services this morning. Really, really lovely day, actually. And two people, my professor, Dr. Hoover, and another person in the choir, Nancy, invited me to Easter dinner at their homes today. I sadly had to decline as I have an enormous amount of work to do and deadlines for it swiftly approaching, but it certainly made me feel very welcomed and accepted and loved. The thing I will miss most (actually the only thing I'll miss) next to individuals is my church.

Delectable Dinner Party last night at my place. Just a small, but profoundly fun (and odd) gathering.

My Heart Breaks

2009-04-10T15:36:00.001-07:00

http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid78359.asp

The above is a link to the news story reporting that an 11 year old boy hanged himself this week after being constantly bullied at school.

I'm just heartbroken.

I was merely unpopular in middle school, but only got picked on minimally. And I know how miserable my life was for those years. I can't imagine persistent bullying to the point that an 11 year old with everything ahead of him would wrap a phone cord around his neck and take his life.

What kind of world is this? Who are the parents of these bullies? Who are the bullies? Sorry, but 6th grade is old enough to start taking responsibility for your actions. Sick children who are going to grow up to be sick adults who are going to pump out more sick children and pollute this disgusting place to the point that the enlightened ones will either live in a state of constant misery, or die far before their time.

Typical Tuesday

2009-04-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

It's nice out: 62 degrees, sunny of course, and not too windy (by Boudler Standards). I'm sipping a soy chai at the Starbucks on 29th and just about ready to start my workload for the day--a good amount of reading to complete before class tonight.

Having trouble concentrating, as usual. On the phone last night my fingertips went numb (as usual) but this time it was accompanied by a dramatic discoloration of the skin. It really bothered me because it looked exactly like the pictures the rheumatologist showed me online of Raynaud's Syndrome, a condition he believes I have that typically accompanies the other stuff I may or may not be dealing with (Lupus, Schleroderma, Miositis). Up until then I was pretty convinced that this could very well be just a virus that's lingering (a possibility he's hoping for as well), but as time goes on, symptoms don't improve, and more apparent ones arise I'm just started to get, well, honestly, annoyed more than anything. I want to focus on getting well, not reading and writing all of this bullshit. How is it that priorities can be so backwards?

Ultimately, I'm 100% convinced that everything is going to be fine. I'm going to graduate with my Master's in Communication from the Unversity of Colorado at Boulder on May 8th of this year. I am going to get totally well, of this I am quite sure. And I'm going to start being happy and free of stress again.

All of this in one short month. Boulder is purgatory.

Needed a Change

2009-04-06T07:13:00.001-07:00

Got a haircut yesterday and decided to go back to bangs. I'll probably start growing them out again as of the end of the haircut, but just needed a little something different for a while.

CU Boulder, the "Ivy League" Public School

2009-04-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

I covered my friend's classes today while he was at a conference. I just got done with the last one and I have to say that all hope for the future of this planet is lost.

First of all, there is no other way to say it. They're stupid. They cannot think. They do not wish to be able to. Their vocabulary is limited to that which T9 recognizes.

But beyond that, they're the rudest, most disrespectful, and "entitled" little bastards I've ever encountered. Pitts got nothing on these bitches.

A student, in this class today, picked up a newspaper and started reading it while I was talking to him. I swear to god. I stood there shocked for a second, then said, "Could you put that away? That is so disrespectful." To which he replied "sorry" under his breath then proceeded to sit there like a wounded animal for the rest of the class, because obviously I had wronged him so.

Of course, the class wouldn't participate after that. I'm the villain, right. I'm out of line.

I can't give an accurate estimate on how many students text-messaged throughout the entire class period. Even when I told them to stop.

Several students came in more than 15 minutes late...one without so much as a backpack or the assignment to turn in. She told me after class that she'd just email it and that would be fine.

I don't know if the regular TA puts up with this bullshit, but that's exactly what it is, bullshit. I would NEVER even DESIRE to behave that way. These people are unbelievable.

And I really, really want to shake them until their heads roll away.

Keep On Truckin'

2009-04-01T16:58:00.000-07:00

A provisional pass. My defense was weak, apparently. But, I really don't know what went wrong. They didn't tell me anything other than that I have to provide a paper to them before the end of the semester in order to completely finish comps. They didn't say what was weak or missing. All they did was say that I needed to better communicate the important aspects of the theories. But I don't know what answer was weak. I don't know if the writing or the defense or both were not good enough. I just don't know.

What I do know is that I sat in disbelief initially when I had to take that in. I also know that what was to be the day that relieved me of all this stress that's been accumulating just became the day that added twice as much.

I'm disappointed and discouraged, but I can't say that I feel that way about myself. I should have asked for an extension on the exam. Getting essentially diagnosed with diseases of the immune system on day one of comps and then just powering on through definitely took its toll on the final products. Also, dealing with the symptoms of this all semester--the severe pain, sleeplessness, and side-effects of Vicodin--didn't help the preparation either.

This really has been the worst three months of my life, soon to be four. No one here cares about me as a person, only as a machine that needs to produce an acceptable product. And you know, I could scold myself for not explicitly asking for help through all of this when it wasn't offered to me freely, but when you already know that nobody cares why would you open yourself up for more heartbreak?

Ultimately, this will be fine. I have to write an extra paper. I graduate and didn't fail anything. But, you know, the only thing I will leave graduate school with is complicated health and lowered self-esteem. I can honestly say I hate it here and everyone who knows me knows that this is not a shallow vent over frustration related to comps. Some of the people I have met here, and certainly the environment as a whole, are the coldest, least compassionate, and most lacking in social graces I have ever encountered.

It goes back to the words to live by: If you're satisfied with anything [CU's Comm Dept], you're just too stupid to know better.

I booked my trip to Denmark today, though. And that I am excited for.

Spring Break

2009-03-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

Back in Boulder now, after a rousing and delightful holiday. Starting things off right 5 other lovely young ladies accompanied me to Las Vegas where we ate, drank, and danced the nights away. We had such a wonderful time, I really could not recount it all here. Vegas may be one of my favorite vacation spots. Good times are always a guarantee.

Here are some friends we made there. Good ol' OTB Italians. ;) From the left we have Paolo, Francesco, Fabrizio, and Masimo. Classic.

After Vegas was a brief stint home where I chilled with mom and Julz, and hit up Britney Spears with none other than the Justin Misenhelder. <3 you guys!

A great break. I'm just tired now, dreading comps defense Wednesday and all the work I have left this semester. Can't it be done now? PLEASE?!

Oh well, the countdown is on. Ciao!

Check It Out!

2009-03-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

Pittsburgh Goes Green!

Go here, sign up for a free account, and start making Pittsburgh a leader in reducing greenhouse gasses and reversing climate change!

Spring Break Has Kinda Begun

2009-03-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not in the clear. I still have the oral defense of my comps, I'm not sure how I did on them, and there's the rest of the semester to worry about. I also haven't just breathed out this huge sigh of relief or anything either. My health stuff is still an issue and I've been so tightly wound over all of this that just relaxing is hard.

But, I doooooo feel a 1,000 times better and with comps out of the way (at least the prepping for them) I feel like I can put my energy and attention to other purposes now, which is nice.

I have some grading to do before I skedaddle outta here to LAS VEGAS on Sunday (eeeeaaaarrrly Sunday). Other than that, I'm pretty much done with work till I get back. I'm certainly not getting a jumpstart on all the stuff to come. Screw that; I've been working hard enough.

Last night was delightful. After class, Amanda and I went to Baker's Street Pub. We had way too many wings, two margaritas and an Irish Car Bomb in honor of St. Patrick. ;) I also made a complete fool out of myself in front of one of the band members who were playing. Wireless guitars are really tricky sometimes...

Anyway, feeling a lot better overall. Hoping for brighter posts in the future!

Done With Comps

2009-03-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

I finished my comprehensive exams today And, there's no guarantees until the oral defense on April 1st, but I actually think I passed. =)

Happy St. Patty's Day!

I got a nice life for the price

2009-03-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

Day one is done. 2 questions down, 1 to go.

I'm waiting to go to the doctor right now. Getting an injection in my finger, the one where the tendon doesn't like to fit comfortably through the tunnel it's supposed to anymore. Such nice timing all of this. The one thing I need to be able to do is type non-stop from around 6 tonight through 10:30 tomorrow, but I need to get AN INJECTION IN MY FINGER.

::sigh::

In all seriousness, I would write a memoir, but everyone would just say it was contrived.

Happy Pi Day!

2009-03-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

Here's to 3.14!

Whole Foods has what is in my opinion by far the best celebratory strategy for this day: Free Pie!

Key lime, chocolate somethin-or-other, chicken pot, the list goes on.

Two days till day one of comps. Working hard and stuffs.

3 days...

2009-03-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Taking a no comps day as it is prospective student weekend and there are activities planned all day for the little buggers.

I gots no problems with it. Free breakfast, introductions, free lunch, colloquium, Jill's happy hour, then whatever trouble we can get into on Pearl. Sounds good to me.

Tomorrow entails finishing every last piece of writing associated with comps prep.

Sunday is an all-out memorizing extravaganza of my theory answer.

The schedule goes something like this once the process begins:

Monday
9-10:30am question 1 (theory)
10:30-1:30 memorize/study notes for method question (can't prepare an answer for this one, as you don't get the question in advance)
1:30-3pm question 2 (method)
3pm-as long as it takes memorize rhet & rel answer

Tuesday
9-10:30 question 3 (rhet & rel)
10:30-rest of the year RELAX

Really?

2009-03-11T21:23:00.001-07:00

Can we just talk about the fact that I will finish my comps on St. Patty's Day and defend April Fool's Day?

Whoever is writing the script to my life is not funny.

Ooooooo Baby!

2009-03-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, enough whining about my health and schoolwork. Don't have the test results yet and comps is going to happen whether I want them to or not. Soooo...

Here's looking ahead!

Las Vegas!
Wooooot! Leaving March 22 for four days three fantastic nights in Sin City! And you best believe I'll be taking part in all of it coming off my comps. ;) Here's to shopping, eating, partying, and sleeping (we're staying at the Wynn!) like a total rock star. Go big or go home!

Car!
Daddy waxed my car (and cleaned everything in it, including the engine), got me mats with the Saab logo, fixed everything little thing that was even slightly out of wack. Oh man, I can't wait to get back to the 'burgh and drive this baby!

Denmark & Finland!
Graduation present to myself. Going abroad again (because what else do I do?). Scandinavia is the greatest place in the world and on this trip I'll check the final two Nordic countries off the list to vist. Woooooooot!

Li'l Update

2009-03-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

A while back I posted this email that my father wrote:

"I just wanted to take a moment to talk about today. Remember this day, what you did and were doing at noon. An event happened today that nobody from my generation and all the previous generations could have possibly imagined. This is a day that will be talked about in years to come about this man and how it happened in a land that not long ago, my youth, that blacks were not allowed in the same restaurant or to drink from the same water fountain or use the same restroom. In that this short time a black man has become our president, is a miracle. I'm not always nostalgic or put things in perspective but down the road this day will be talked and written about. I am truly proud this is happening to our country. I believe he is the right man, in the right time, for this country.
love you pumpkin
Forever, Dad"

I also posted it on Facebook, which experiences much higher traffic, and, therefore was the place everyone commented on it. I just wanted to post those on here now to share:

Mike Wiley: Awesome

Ania Mucha: HE IS RIGHT ABOUT EVERY WORD !!!
U R LUCKY 2 HAVE SMART FATHER

Dara DeChellis: Ummm... I like your dad... a lot. Thank him for me! (again!)

Jamie Moreland: awesome

Maisha Fields: So beautiful! You come from good peeps, No wonder I love your ass so freakin' much!

Janine Waters: this is gaw-gess . . . i'm right there with you both!

Becca James: Nice...gave me goose-bumps!!! :)

Cara Dailer: thanks for letting me read that. its beautiful.

Julie Domineck: oh rog:) i love your d-a-d dad

Justin Misenhelder: love you Mr. Shannon!

I also received this message today (also on Facebook) from a girl I don't know who friended me on there. She is likely friends with Ania, who I met when visiting Poland in October. Her name is Miriam and she writes:

"HI,MY NAME IS MIRIAMI'M FROM USA.FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME ABOUT UR DADS NOTE.I'M HUDGE OBAMA SAPORTER,I HAD 2 HAVE U WITH MY FRIENDS,INCASE UR DAD WILL WRITE ANATHER NOTE LIKE IT TO SEE IT.YHX 4 ACCEPTING MY INVITE I HOPE YOU ARE DOING REALLY WELL.TAKE CARE.MIRIAM"

Just wanted to share. Thanks, Dad. Love you!

Mad World

2009-03-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting at Panera, moving at a snail's pace working towards finishing my comps, and I'm just watching this girl next to me, who has been on her phone for seemingly ever. She's sitting with a guy, who, by there interactions seems to be a romantic interest. But she's just on her freaking phone. I don't know what she's saying because she is Asian and is not speaking English to whomever is on the other end. But, I'm going to go ahead and guess it's not that important. The guy's just sitting there, idly nibbling at his cesar salad. And she dips her head down to her straw every once in a while and takes a sip at her frappucino.

This is just so odd to me. I mean, what the crap is going on over there? Is this not considered rude, or strange to anyone else? I'm reminded of how my students are unstoppable when it comes to text messaging. I watch them in lecture, the little fingers going a mile a minute. They don't do it in my class because they know I'll stop 'em, but still. Who in the hell needs to be "in-touch" literally every minute of every day? You're in class for 50 minutes. Your friends will get over it.

Ha, Mr. Being Ignored just made a move to leave and the phone queen (who has since hung it up) says "I'm not even done yet!"

Well, of course you're not, silly-face. Your mouths been busy doing other things. Like not eating your food and not talking to your company.

Such a weird, weird world. I'm not annoyed or upset or anything. I just think it's all a little strange is all.

Back to work.

I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cow bell.

2009-03-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

Actually, no fever to speak of. But I do have chronic, mystery aching, numbness, stiffness, and weakness pretty much throughout my entire body now. And, a lovely problem with the tendon in my left middle finger.

Sooo...finally my doctor (after 7 weeks and that many visits) has referred me to a specialist, specifically a rheumatoligist. And, lucky me, I wasn't able to get in till the 20th, but between my mom's relentlessness and a cancellation, I'm going tomorrow at 2. So, if you would, think happy thoughts, or say a prayer, or whatever you do. Thanks.

Also, comping Monday the 16th. Oh happy day. Met with my adviser, Pete, today and, though he did make me feel a little better about things, I'm still totally stressed out (I'm sure that's having no negative affect on my health) and just absolutely can't wait for this all to be over.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

The Countdown is On

2009-03-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

COMPS: March 16th and 17th

Working on finishing up the answer to question one this week, question two over the weekend, and question 3 the weekend before the big day(s).

I can so totally do this.

In the meantime, I'm going to see the doctor for the 7th time in about 3 weeks today. I haven't really been writing anything about this, but I've had mystery aching in my muscles and joints mainly in my hands, wrists, arms, and shoulders. This has been accompanied by mystery numbness in my hands. The doctors can't figure out what it is, even thought I've had blood test after blood test. This weekend it's taken a turn for the worst as the aching has spread to my toes and ankles (the one recurring theme from the doctors being, well, as long as it's not in your feet and legs we're not too worried...), AND now the middle finger on my left hand is catching (like, the tendon inside) when I bend it.

Sooo...this means sleeping, typing, putting on clothes, just functioning has sucked for the past SEVEN weeks. Oh, that's right. That's how long it's been going on. I've just only been going to the doctor for about 3 because I didn't have insurance for the first month of school.

At this point, I'm just tyring to get through it, get my Comps done, and make it to Spring Break.

So, Apparently I Had a Really Good Time Last Night

2009-02-28T19:32:00.000-08:00

Even now, finding ways to have a good time. =) Here's to me and Amanda. Here's to Socialite Day II.

It's Official

2009-02-27T09:20:00.001-08:00

My first car! 1999, Saab 9-3 Convertible! Woo hoo!

Too bad I don't get to drive him till the end of March.

Memories

2009-02-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

Memories... Light the corner of my mind...Share a memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember! Don't send a message, leave a comment on here, or, if you don't have an account and don't want to make one, the same post is on Facebook.

Thanks!

Sometimes Boulder Doesn't Blow

2009-02-18T12:06:00.000-08:00

"nice box"

nice bike

Ah, ha, ha, ha Stayin' Alive

2009-02-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

I was reading over older posts a moment ago, and got really inspired. Somewhere between last semester and now my outlook had become dismal and grim. Nothing to look forward to, no good things to say. I'm not even sure how my friends put up with me. Things really aren't bad; I'm not sure what all the complaining is about.

So, new leaf time. Here it goes. An attempt to keep my head up and go outta this town with a bang. I'm sitting at the Starbucks on Arapahoe at the current moment awaiting Amanda's arrival. Super-productive mode to commence momentarily as I have around 300 short essays to grade for 1210 due tomorrow. But that's alright. I need a swift kick in the ass to get myself going again anyway. I have somehow avoided any and all productivity for two weekends straight now. And I could get away with that stuff maybe a semester ago, but this is crunch time: I'm not leaving here without my MA.

And there are always things to look forward to as well. Vegas is coming up. The week after my comprehensive exams, me and 3 other lovlies are hitting up Sin City for four days of party-hardy, shop-a-holic wonderment.

I'm gonna make it. I've gotta make it.

Me and my lovely date on our Valentine's Day outting. Ethiopian cuisine followed by delectable cheesecake. The answer is yes.

I wrote this this evening because I felt I needed to write

2009-02-11T20:20:00.001-08:00

There is a God. Of this I have no doubts. Big Bang Theory. Fine, this I can accept. But where did those elements come from that resulted in said occurrence? In my mind (small and lacking significant study and experience in this field), science has already proved the existence of “God” whatever that may be: You cannot produce something from nothing. Scientific principle. So where did it all come from? Something started it. I do not provide this as a sufficient argument for persuading other people, simply as a basis for your understanding of where I’m coming from.

But, then, if there is a God—and I’m convinced there is—what then is the nature and/or state of this deity? This world is a horrifying place: people in places losing parents, and siblings, and children, and friends, and selves to preventable but appalling diseases every single day. Children who are starving model counterintuitive frames with swollen bellies deprived of nourishment and engorged with worms. It amazes me that Christians threaten nonbelievers with accounts of hell. Hell? Look around; there is no hell as great and terrifying as this. And, what’s worse, we do not all experience the same levels of hell. Many are lucky, or fortunate, or “blessed” enough to never endure such trials. This is nothing more than further evidence that something is amiss with this God I understand, or rather, don’t.

Then God is either dead, or disinvolved, or wretchedly evil. These are, sadly, the only true conclusions I find to be in any way believable within myself. Again, I have no answers here to provide, and I doubt that all the education, experience, and prayer in the world will ever get me closer. (My opinions will certainly change—no doubt! But an answer to the questions posited here today will not be found.)

Therefore, ultimately, the question is not whether or not there is, in fact, a God, but rather, Who is this God?

If I cannot answer this for myself, it leaves me in quite an existential pickle. Without due citation, but rather simple lived experience, I am confident in saying that the human condition is riddled with questions and quests related to meaning, purpose, and existence, much of which culminates in a debate over morality and ways of living. So then, if there is a God, but not one who either still exists, or is available, or worthy of listening to, where does humanity go in this pursuit for what it’s all about?

All of this is simply preliminary background which (hopefully) is sufficient for introducing my claim.

The most essential element to human morality is appreciation, because in truly appreciating things, people, experiences, knowledge, life, one hits on all the other important traits of humanity: sacrifice, respect, compassion, responsibility, perhaps even come conception of love.

So, in this one can see I do believe in universal truths (contrary to claims made by myself in discussions prior), but here is also demonstrated the unstable nature of that state.

One can agree with my position and ask oneself if he is upholding it in his own life. “Am I truly appreciating X?” But then that is open to 6 ½ billion different interpretations in itself. Consider a simplistic illustration:

Am I showing appreciation for my intelligence?

--Yes, because you are working towards a degree of higher education which is a staple of respect for human intellect in our society.

--No, because societal values are immaterial and true appreciation for one’s intelligence is expansion of the mind which is only a talking point in the academy, not a point of action.

--No, because conforming to the many’s idea of what education should be is not being true to the vision one has for one’s self.

--Yes, because there are no correct ways to appreciate intelligence, rather one is doing so in the mere act of taking an interest and making an effort in that direction, whatever that may be.

Here are only four wildly different interpretations; all in a sincere attempt to live up to and embody what I have no determined to be that foundational element in, what I would argue is ultimately morality at its core.

What is to be done? Where do we go from here?

I do not throw out formal religion in its entirety (as a matter of fact I am a member of the First Congregational Church of the United Church of Christ, and a participating element of the choir). As a matter of fact I think a lot of religious people had a lot of great insights into existence and the ways of living. This conundrum with interpretation is an excellent example. Many veins of contemporary Christianity preach to not concern oneself with this world, or, more generally, “What other people think.” In my mind, this is less some grand revelation related to morality and that which is good to concern oneself with, but rather a practical observation that it would literally be impossible to ever take into consideration the nearly countless perceptions of each thing (whether it be idea or action) that a person engages in in his life. One simply cannot do it.

And so I come now to what I really think it’s all about, if not even my theory of appreciation as the cornerstone of human morality.

For me this is about experience. Life is a series of experiences and my aim is to string together as many good ones as I can. This, in my way, is the embodiment of appreciation in my everyday life. I like my “Life’s To Do List.” I revel in the adventure and newness of challenge. If it’s the best, the most, the highest, the deepest, the hardest, the fastest, the steepest, or priciest, count me in. I’m there to engage and learn and not only let being be, but create being in a moment. The experience is an expression of that appreciation which I hold so dear.

But, most importantly, if you take nothing else from this, take but this one point. I mean it in the sincerest and humblest of spirits. This is that “conclusion” (and I use the term hesitantly as understanding life is always a work in progress until the end of one’s life) which I have come to, and only for myself. I believe in sharing positions, in talking out understandings, or lack thereof, and—most importantly—taking the time to think about them to begin with. If there is no sharing, no knowledge, well then I feel, at least as a community, we truly are nothing. And so I share this with you because I felt like putting thoughts to paper (electronic paper as it may be) and because I want to encourage you to, rather than set the alarm, glance at the clock, and settle in for another day, take the time to look up at the stars and wonder.

And please, I beg mercy! This is merely a theoretical perspective on life and existence. Don’t hold me to it all the time. After all, all fall shot the glory.

Sign the Petition

2009-02-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce

2009-02-02T18:10:00.001-08:00

Moving On

2009-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm stressed out. Yesterday sucked.

I have a hard class, a not impossible but demanding independent study, and comps preparation is really the thing that just has me freaking out.

But, I'm trying to take it a day at a time, and revel in the good that has come of this experience. So,

I'll be celebrating the Steelers' landing in the Super Bowl.
I'll be making time to talk to and spend time with Ethan, who I rarely was given the chance to see last semester.
I'll be doing what I need to do in order to get this degree under my belt come May 8th.
I'll be training for a full-length triathlon with Amanda.
I'll be teaching and enjoying it because that seems to be the only place I can garner positive feedback.
I'll be going to happy hour with the people in my department I have yet to get to know.
I'll be appreciating the relationships with people in my department I have gotten to know.
I'll attend my church and sing in my choir and enjoy my community outside of CU.
I'll lose myself in planning my upcoming trips and fantasize about one again being far from here.

And I'll hold my head up high, because I deserve to.

How I'm Feeling

2009-01-27T16:43:00.000-08:00

Just for the record, graduate school has all but destroyed me. I found out pretty much within the first semester that this was not a place that would foster my growth, neither in academic ability or personal character. Because of this I was not about to give the best parts of myself over to this cruel and seemingly futile endeavor. So, I did my work, but didn't pour myself into it. I did "enough." And when there seemed an opportunity for me to attach myself to something better than the status quo, a chance to work with someone who understood the ills of the academy and did not himself subscribe to them, I took it. Latched on. Gave of myself and trusted.

Mistake.

I am a very blessed daughter

2009-01-20T21:04:00.001-08:00

An email my father sent to me today:

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about today. Remember this day, what you did and were doing at noon. An event happened today that nobody from my generation and all the previous generations could have possibly imagined. This is a day that will be talked about in years to come about this man and how it happened in a land that not long ago, my youth, that blacks were not allowed in the same restaurant or to drink from the same water fountain or use the same restroom. In that this short time a black man has become our president, is a miracle. I'm not always nostalgic or put things in perspective but down the road this day will be talked and written about. I am truly proud this is happening to our country. I believe he is the right man, in the right time, for this country.
love you pumpkin
Forever, Dad

PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!

2009-01-19T21:54:00.001-08:00

Nuff said.

More to come, but here's a photo teaser of the new year.

2009!

BREAK!

2009-01-06T22:28:00.000-08:00

My Pittsburgh holiday is coming to a close. Back in Boulder Thursday. I have various updates on good times which took place over the past three weeks, but, alas, left my camera cord at my place in CO and would just rather wait to have pics to accommodate the text.

Here's to more updating in 2009!

What a Time

2008-12-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

This break has certainly been a time of ups and downs. It started off rough with me drawing fights from my parents due to a severe level of stress brought on by a high pressure end to the semester. Things took a phenomenal turn for the best, however, starting Christmas Eve and lasting through this evening, with a traditional church visit, going to Eddie's, a lovely gift exchange with my folks, Friday night FOX Japan show and high school buddy reunion in Wheeling, and my first Pens home game Saturday with friends I met in Stockholm.

Then today, completely unnecessary drama brought about by a total misunderstanding between my mom, dad, and I. Details are less important, but ultimately I have such a feeling of hopelessness and desperation at this point that I really understand how people lose the thirst to get up each day. Basically I arrived at a place this evening where it seemed that the thing that matters most to me and that I work the hardest at can simply not go well, despite all of my efforts. And if that's the case--if I can't keep together the one thing that is most important--than what's really the point with struggling my whole life trying to make everything work?

It was an extremely disheartening night. There is simply nothing closer to my heart than both of my parents and I can hardly bear any tension or hard feelings among us. But it's ever-present and seemingly habitual, and so I'm down and lost and really, really reaching right now.

I Got My First A!

2008-12-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

I know, it's kind of hard to believe. I mean, I've always breezed through school with nothing below an A average my entire life. But, if you can imagine, my entire first year of graduate school I failed to get anything higher than an A-. Now, that's worse for students in some programs than others. At Pitt it seemed that A's were kind of the norm and an A- was a penalty for really sucking at life. I only took one graduate seminar there and was being graded as an undergraduate, but still, that was the general understanding.

At CU, a whole different story. And, to be honest, I'm living it up in grad school. While others are hitting the books, I'm hitting the bars--in a city somewhere far from Boulder, every single weekend. Knowing that I merely have to pass, take what I want from it, and cut out once I graduate has made me much more interested in my life outside of academia than in it. But, I am now happy to say that I have officially received an A in a graduate course. No lie, I would have been pretty disappointed with myself if I had come out having never achieved that. And, get this, it was for a class where the final paper requirement was 35 pages, and mine was 16! Significantly less than half!

Go me.

The paper was also on professional hockey. See, you do well where your passions lie. ;)

Pens' Holiday Hospital VIsit

2008-12-16T16:25:00.001-08:00

Magnificat!

2008-12-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Every year at my church, they have music Sunday one Sunday in December to celebrate the holiday season. Basically, instead of a sermon, the choir performs a 30-40 minute music piece. This year we performed Bach's Magnificat. This was my first time attending music Sunday since I didn't join the choir until spring last year. We had been working on the piece since September and hired a professional orchestra to accompany us. The church paid singers to come in and do the solo pieces as well.

We were pretty nervous going into it. The piece is a difficult one, and we're just a volunteer choir that rehearses once a week for an hour and forty-five minutes.

Then , more nerves for a different reason. Around Friday we got word that a blizzard was expected to come through late Saturday night/Sunday morning. We had worked so hard and might be performing for an empty room!

Well, the morning arrived, and, much to our surprise and delight there was not an empty seat in our rather spacious sanctuary. There were people standing in corners. Despite the foot of snow that was still falling outside, everyone came out to support us.

Ok, one worry down. Still the show to go.

Well, some things are difficult to articulate. I wish that you could see the concert, I really do. Of all of the performances I've been apart of, this is one of which I may be the most proud. I've worked harder, played a bigger role, and been more of a focal point in others, but there was something so special and appreciated about the job that we did that morning. A majority of the people in our choir would never have an opportunity to be a part of a performance like this in any other setting. It was just special. And went off without a hitch!

So, although this post doesn't have the sexy, surprising, adventurous twist so many of the others do, I had to share my delight with this past Sunday with you.

As for school...the countdown is on!

Socialite Day

2008-12-13T20:03:00.000-08:00

Shannon desperately needed to get to work researching for her final term paper of the semester, a thirty page monster for Myth, Symbol, Media...due Monday.

She awoke Friday feeling less that thrilled about the prospects for her day--write in her apartment, write at Starbucks, write in her office, you get the idea.

But before she retired herself to boredom and depression, she decided to do the rounds online. You know the drill: Gmail, CU mail, facebook, Myspace, maybe squeeze in a little YouTube. She halted her progress when she read a new wall posting from Amanda on facebook. In great detail, Amanda laid out the ingredients for what could very well be THE PERFECT DAY:

Haircuts and shopping at the Flatirons Mall
the world's most amazing happy hour at the Mediterranean restaurant
lazy time
the gym
and out on the town!

Shannon could not resist. "Aw, what the hell," thought Dickerson, "Everyone deserves to live like a socialite one day a week...err, year."

And so socialite day commenced. Shannon got a trim and new boots, a scarf, an umbrella, a stainless steel water bottle, and a Victoria's Secret top. She scarfed down $2 tappas and sipped a $4 sangria. She watched We Own the Night lazily on Amanda's couch. She attemped jumping rope at the gym and realized that it is actually possible for a person to be bad at that. And then, the day really got heated up as it turned to night.

Everything started off pretty calm. The plan was 3 drinks, no more. Beginning at Connor O'Neils and ending up at Around Midnight. At first, it all seemed like things were going to go as was expected. Two drinks at the pub, and then their third at the club. Unfortunately, the ladies realized that they were trading off buying rounds, and therefore, an odd number would not due.

Four then? Four it would be.

For starters.

So the ladies ordered their fourth--but this time, make it shots! "We're hear to have it good time, it's socialite day after all." And here things really took the turn. Shannon decided that she had her eyes on the tender of bar who served them their shots. And so, the way to keep him around was obviously to order more.

Much more.

So, around drink # 9 (those are all the ones we can account for...who knows what the actual total may be), things were getting pretty silly. The ladies literally pounded one after another without break or hesitation, constantly making eyes at said bartender, and flirtatiously asking for him to make new and fun drinks. Upon finding out his name, Jason, Amanda-face thought it appropriate to school him on some Jason fun-fact trivia, saying that his name was the calendar months: July, August, September, October, November. (Shannon was not of sound enough mind to understand this reference until sometime today. )

Short guy at the bar, a.k.a. Frodo (you can't blame me for that; it was all Amanda) chatted our ears off, but was quite fun. The bartender laughed at Shannon's pathetic drunken attempts to flirt with him, and, though he was attentive and polite, didn't seem particularly interested. Never asked for the number. Never initiated any interaction.

[[[Not too terribly weird; I realize I'm not irresistible, people. But, well, I'll save the shocker that doesn't quite gel with the other accounts for later...]]]

Anyway, when the lights came up and the place closed down, Shannon and Amanda found themselves outside with another bartender, David. While Shannon watched in one parts amusement, one parts horror, Amanda insisted that David give Jason's phone number to them, because, "This is my friend, and she likes him, and she's really great, and, I mean, look at her. So can you give us Jason's number." Oddly enough, the stranger didn't oblidge to give his co-worker's digits to the drunk girls making asses of themselves outside of a bar at 2:30 in the morning in the freezing cold. Go figure. He did repeat several times, however, "Ladies, promise me one thing, that you're not going to drive tonight." And even their threats to do just that if we left without Jason's number were made in vain.

Not wanting the greatest day on record to end, the ladies headed to, where else, the gentlemen's club. The bartender actually recommended it to them, as it was the only place open at that time in the night, was located a mere block away, and (most importantly) didn't serve alcohol. What happens behind those doors stays there, but I will tell you Shannon stole a significant amount of their individually wrapped life-saver supply. Mwah, hahaha.

So, the rest is a bore. Home. Bed. Whatev. But here's the really exceptional part. (switching to first person)When the alarm went off and I readied myself for choir practice I started to panic a bit, not at the amount of money I had likely dropped on booze in a pathetic attempt to flirt with a service worker, but rather at the absolute horror of possibly not tipping an appropriate amount due to my intoxicated state as I had zero recollection of closing out my tab. All cards were accounted for though. Hopefully my partner in crime would have details.

Amanda and I hit up Panera for lunch later today and as we recounted the events of last night she stopped me dead in my tracks. "You know, I only paid for one round last night. My bill was fourteen dollars. And those were the first ones, that the other bartender served us." At first, I was a little terrified at these implications. Did that mean that ALL of the other drinks had ended up on my tab?

"You didn't have a tab there last night."

And then what seemed to be the impossible was shaping itself into reality. That bartender--the seemingly uninterested one--had not charged Amanda or myself for upwards of $100 in alcohol. Two things. 1. Awesome. 2. What gives?

In any event, that's my best attempt at an entertaining account of socialite day. I highly recommend that everybody take at least one. It's really...social.

Sykkie Finally Notches Hat Trick

2008-12-11T22:51:00.001-08:00

I KNEW HE WOULD DO IT!

Loves It

2008-12-10T12:53:00.001-08:00

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

So This is Pretty Sweet

2008-12-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

2008-12-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

Wow...I think about a foot has fallen since last night. It's supposed to stop around 8pm. Here's hoping, because I got stuff to do tomorrow.

Amanda helped me take a huge sigh of relief by inviting me to get pelted in the face with compacted snow outside my apartment building. That's right. My friends are so cool that we had a snowball fight! And with her dog, Sadie, too. =)

Papers are all graded; just one more wave of them immediately after the final that I need to turn over in one night to get to leave for home as early as possible.

My own work has been pushed back as far as it goes, however, and now I am faced with a term paper per weekend and my independent study "project" to be squeezed in during the week--somewhere.

Here's to entering the tunnel. Hopefully by this time next week I'll be seeing the light.

Hopefully.

I'm Terrible for Even Posting This

2008-12-04T13:18:00.001-08:00

Worst Hockey Accident Ever - The most popular videos are here

Who's Excited for the Next 5 Years?

2008-12-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

This girl.

I don't really know what the deal is. Even though we're coming down to the end of the semester, I'm swimming (eh, drowning more like) in work, and have absolutely NO CLUE what the future holds for me after graduation, I am just super-stoked for everything that's to come.

Right now it's 4:40pm and it's dark outside. (You think you East-coasters have it bad...try having the Rocky mountains 3 feet to the West. It gets dark hella early here.) But, no matter. Who needs daylight? Most of my favorite places in the world have 3 months of darkness per year. And I can't wait to get back to them!

Looking into Italy as a spring break destination. Scandinavia in June. I know, I know...crazy, reckless, hectic, even manic. That's about where I am right now. It feels good though. Something about life's fragility, the utter softness to it all. Life is for the strong, no question. But the essence of life itself is like a ham sandwich, tasty, satisfying, rich, and meaty...but don't go tossing it around carelessly or waiting 20 years to dig in. The time to bite into that pigly wigly is now!

You do not know what is around the corner. You do not know how many chances you'll get. And living everyday like it's your last may seem a little rash, but hey, one day you'll be right.

And then won't that feel good.

The Hard Truth

2008-11-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

Life is not fair.

There is no plan.

Sorry to burst your bubble, if you had a nice comforting one going for you. I welcome well-thought out responses. I'd honestly like to believe in at least the second one. But really, I'm just past it now.

The Big Five-Oh

2008-11-27T01:55:00.000-08:00

High school reunion night! Made the long trek down to Wheeling to meet up with the ol' classy-class at Generations Pub for the least formal, most disorganized high school reunion on record (and we were supposed to be the "promising" class). It was pretty sweet, honestly. I saw so many people whose presence I delighted in. Got to see Jessica, who gave me a thoughtful "thank you" gift, just for proofreading a paper of hers. I did a shot to "people from high school trying to have sex with people they had no business sleeping with when we were in high school" toast with Pete Wilmost with some soca lime. And Justin Misenhelder (my reason for living) was there and fabulous, and also largely responsible for the evening taking an oh-so-Shannon turn for the interesting.

I saw a hot guy (these stories always seem to start this way...). I stupidly told drunk-face Justin. Drunk-face waltzes over to said hot guy and says, "My friend wants to meet you." Then drags me over to him, says, "This is my friend, Shannon." and leaves.

Ass.

So, I do my best to laugh it off and recover. He's not exactly nice, but he doesn't seem to mind the awkwardness of our encounter and is pleasantly talkative. I immediately recognize the Scandinavian accent and ask where he's from. To my suprise and delight, he's Swedish. I mean, my knack for picking out Europeans out of a crowd to be attracted to is uncanny. I am further amused to find out that he is a hocky player for the Wheeling Nailers...and want to call Julie on the spot so that we can have a minute to laugh together about me being incapable of going to a social hang-out to have a drink without a professional athlete showing up. He's engaged, so whatever...but the Nailers hilarilty continued in so many tangential side-stories that to recount them all here would be absurd. Basically, the night ended with a brawl in the parking lot at 3 in the morning, and me being eerily reminded of the Navy Seals debaccle in San Diego last fabruary. (I'm a magnent for trouble; what can I say?.)

I'm realizing that my standards have gotten so high that unless I'm hanging out with Derek Jeter, Elton John, and Osama Bin Laden in an ice bar outside of Antwerp, Belgium it's just not a big enough deal to get the camera out. No pictures backstage with The Fashion in LA, no candid photos hitting on the Nailers. Am I becoming an average girl with the experiences and expectations of a bonafide socialite?

Probably.