Thanks for the Little Things

I have an MA, but I work at a coffee shop and for a promo company, and am in the process of getting a third job (and will still only be scraping by). That's the way of it now. A lot of people are in the same boat (many far worse!).

That said, I could not be happier about my position, because given the option of this or being back in school, I would take this 1,000 times over.

And it's not just that I had a particularly bad experience in graduate school, though that's certainly a part of it. Really, it's that school doesn't end. When I work today from 6:45am to 10:30pm, at 10:30pm I am done. Not so in school. There's always something more you should be doing. Even if all of your projects are finished, all of your reading is "caught up," there's more research you should be doing, more sources you should be investigating, more anything you should be anything-ing. The work of the graduate student is never done and he is never off the clock.

Add to this my general disdain for the work itself. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I never got to read about my interests because I was always trying to bulldoze through my reading for courses, courses that didn't really interest me at all. And, if I'm being honest, I'm just tired of academic work. Taking endless notes, comprehending and comparing theories, generating your own. Yeah, I guess I burned out.

So when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I had to work for the Camel job last night, and then pull a double today, I just remember how much better it is than the alternative. And then I can sit back and relax. Everything's coming up roses. =)

GRADUATION!

Official.

Jack of all trades, Master of Arts. ;)

Stoked.

No More Pencils, No More Books...

Done! Just finished my last bit of grading. Woooooohooooo!

The Pens loss tonight put a damper on things, of course. But, really, being done with grad school is an event that is overrun with joy. All that remains now is packing, graduation, and moving my butt back to the 'burgh.

Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Cinco de Mayo tomorrow...do I smell a party?!

Papers Down

My last academic paper was turned in at 6:30 today.

Sweet.

Just grading to go. Final push!

Weekend Warrior

Party last night. Good times. I would post a picture or two, but, for some reason, my computer no longer recognizes my camera...slightly problematic.

Cleaning with Jen this morning. Listening to the Pens game currently (let's win it at their home!!!), and hopefully getting a little school work done later today.

How forward I am looking to moving home. And, with any luck, playoff hockey will still be happening in the 'burgh. I gotta go to at least one more game before the off-season. I'll just die if I don't!

Also looking forward to getting to some Pirate games. And, well, looking forward to EVERYTHING else that comes with moving home. I'm basically on auto pilot now. Just get through the next couple weeks. Take the good, but, really, purgatory continues. Here's to heaven, coming soon!

Nudder Tuesday

Got my comps paper back. So, I'm done with that. It's good. Done and done.

Now, 75 papers to grade, 2 papers to revise, finals to grade.

Then I'm REALLY done.

May 8th is only 17 days away!!!

Looking so forward to moving home, and Denmark, and summer, and a job, and NOT HAVING TO DO ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 18 YEARS, and getting healthy, and grocery shopping, and learning French, and cooking, and golfing, and biking, and spending good time with my family, and getting a fish, and rearranging my room, and reading stuff I want to, and going to half off, and dressing up and getting cocktails, and being in Pittsburgh, and Las Vegas for the NHL awards, and Pirates games...this list could go on forever.

Beautiful.

Typical Tuesday

It's nice out: 62 degrees, sunny of course, and not too windy (by Boudler Standards). I'm sipping a soy chai at the Starbucks on 29th and just about ready to start my workload for the day--a good amount of reading to complete before class tonight.

Having trouble concentrating, as usual. On the phone last night my fingertips went numb (as usual) but this time it was accompanied by a dramatic discoloration of the skin. It really bothered me because it looked exactly like the pictures the rheumatologist showed me online of Raynaud's Syndrome, a condition he believes I have that typically accompanies the other stuff I may or may not be dealing with (Lupus, Schleroderma, Miositis). Up until then I was pretty convinced that this could very well be just a virus that's lingering (a possibility he's hoping for as well), but as time goes on, symptoms don't improve, and more apparent ones arise I'm just started to get, well, honestly, annoyed more than anything. I want to focus on getting well, not reading and writing all of this bullshit. How is it that priorities can be so backwards?

Ultimately, I'm 100% convinced that everything is going to be fine. I'm going to graduate with my Master's in Communication from the Unversity of Colorado at Boulder on May 8th of this year. I am going to get totally well, of this I am quite sure. And I'm going to start being happy and free of stress again.

All of this in one short month. Boulder is purgatory.

Keep On Truckin'

A provisional pass. My defense was weak, apparently. But, I really don't know what went wrong. They didn't tell me anything other than that I have to provide a paper to them before the end of the semester in order to completely finish comps. They didn't say what was weak or missing. All they did was say that I needed to better communicate the important aspects of the theories. But I don't know what answer was weak. I don't know if the writing or the defense or both were not good enough. I just don't know.

What I do know is that I sat in disbelief initially when I had to take that in. I also know that what was to be the day that relieved me of all this stress that's been accumulating just became the day that added twice as much.

I'm disappointed and discouraged, but I can't say that I feel that way about myself. I should have asked for an extension on the exam. Getting essentially diagnosed with diseases of the immune system on day one of comps and then just powering on through definitely took its toll on the final products. Also, dealing with the symptoms of this all semester--the severe pain, sleeplessness, and side-effects of Vicodin--didn't help the preparation either.

This really has been the worst three months of my life, soon to be four. No one here cares about me as a person, only as a machine that needs to produce an acceptable product. And you know, I could scold myself for not explicitly asking for help through all of this when it wasn't offered to me freely, but when you already know that nobody cares why would you open yourself up for more heartbreak?

Ultimately, this will be fine. I have to write an extra paper. I graduate and didn't fail anything. But, you know, the only thing I will leave graduate school with is complicated health and lowered self-esteem. I can honestly say I hate it here and everyone who knows me knows that this is not a shallow vent over frustration related to comps. Some of the people I have met here, and certainly the environment as a whole, are the coldest, least compassionate, and most lacking in social graces I have ever encountered.

It goes back to the words to live by: If you're satisfied with anything [CU's Comm Dept], you're just too stupid to know better.

I booked my trip to Denmark today, though. And that I am excited for.

The Countdown is On

COMPS: March 16th and 17th

Working on finishing up the answer to question one this week, question two over the weekend, and question 3 the weekend before the big day(s).

I can so totally do this.


In the meantime, I'm going to see the doctor for the 7th time in about 3 weeks today. I haven't really been writing anything about this, but I've had mystery aching in my muscles and joints mainly in my hands, wrists, arms, and shoulders. This has been accompanied by mystery numbness in my hands. The doctors can't figure out what it is, even thought I've had blood test after blood test. This weekend it's taken a turn for the worst as the aching has spread to my toes and ankles (the one recurring theme from the doctors being, well, as long as it's not in your feet and legs we're not too worried...), AND now the middle finger on my left hand is catching (like, the tendon inside) when I bend it.

Sooo...this means sleeping, typing, putting on clothes, just functioning has sucked for the past SEVEN weeks. Oh, that's right. That's how long it's been going on. I've just only been going to the doctor for about 3 because I didn't have insurance for the first month of school.

At this point, I'm just tyring to get through it, get my Comps done, and make it to Spring Break.

Moving On

I'm stressed out. Yesterday sucked.

I have a hard class, a not impossible but demanding independent study, and comps preparation is really the thing that just has me freaking out.

But, I'm trying to take it a day at a time, and revel in the good that has come of this experience. So,

I'll be celebrating the Steelers' landing in the Super Bowl.
I'll be making time to talk to and spend time with Ethan, who I rarely was given the chance to see last semester.
I'll be doing what I need to do in order to get this degree under my belt come May 8th.
I'll be training for a full-length triathlon with Amanda.
I'll be teaching and enjoying it because that seems to be the only place I can garner positive feedback.
I'll be going to happy hour with the people in my department I have yet to get to know.
I'll be appreciating the relationships with people in my department I have gotten to know.
I'll attend my church and sing in my choir and enjoy my community outside of CU.
I'll lose myself in planning my upcoming trips and fantasize about one again being far from here.

And I'll hold my head up high, because I deserve to.

How I'm Feeling

Just for the record, graduate school has all but destroyed me. I found out pretty much within the first semester that this was not a place that would foster my growth, neither in academic ability or personal character. Because of this I was not about to give the best parts of myself over to this cruel and seemingly futile endeavor. So, I did my work, but didn't pour myself into it. I did "enough." And when there seemed an opportunity for me to attach myself to something better than the status quo, a chance to work with someone who understood the ills of the academy and did not himself subscribe to them, I took it. Latched on. Gave of myself and trusted.

Mistake.