And So It Is

And for an update. It's been 7 months. I suppose there's something to say.

Work is life. I 'd be lying if I said I didn't love it, though. I've never been one who can sit still anyway. Working 60+ hours a week--every week--has it's drawbacks, most certainly, but I'll take it over idleness. I also feel like my job provides me with a sense of purpose to an extent, and that is enjoyable as well. I've been promoted since my last post, which is insane to think about since I was only last "promoted" to management in September. I, with my team, of course, am essentially in charge of all activity in the Pittsburgh market for my company. It really is in every way my dream job. I could stick around in this for a long, long time--fate allowing.

Separating my personal and professional lives is a complete impossibility. Firstly, because my job takes so very much of my waking time, but also because much of my social life revolves around a group of work friends.

From Buku to Bukowski life has been pretty interesting. I have such little free time that it's always an adventure just deciding how to spend it. Fortunately working in promotions has so many social perks. Last night I found myself at a dub-step show in the South Side in relation to my job. So after the work was done I hung around for the show. The allusive Caleb Pass did not make an appearance, which put a damper on the night, but an unexpected run-in with a delightful acquaintance and making nice with the bar and security staff proved enjoyable, even fulfilling. The headliner, Buku, is also a friend of mine which is reason enough to stick around and show support (or just act remarkably exclusive being "in").

In the downtime, I have found comfort and familiarity with Shiraz, my cat, and Bukowski poetry. For my birthday, Ethan gifted me a collection, Burning in Water Drowning in Flame, which may very well be my favorite work I've been introduced to in many years--pre-graduate school, even. Humor me as I indulge myself. An excerpt:

the other night

an old worker

grey and blind

no longer useful

was retired

to the Outside.

speech! speech!

we demanded.

it was

hell, he said.

we laughed

all 4000 of us;

he had kept his

humor

to the end.

From "the workers."

In life there is much humor and much grief. Purposeful people are those who see the correlation. There is, no doubt, much sorrow that comes with understanding.

I had a dream last night. I had multiple sub-dermal piercings throughout my back, which were being removed by hand in some shop that resembled no place of business of which I've ever been familiar. I bled a little and became nauseated when they removed one from my lower side. It bothered me so much, that the mirroring one I opted to leave in. At this point, a man I knew began to tell a story from the corner of the room about hunting with his friends and his friends' dogs. Appearing from nowhere, as elements are wont to do in dreams, was a caged hound. The man removed the dog from the cage and proceeded to shove the barrel of a rifle into the animal's hindquarters. And fire.

I woke up so disturbed that even though last night's events kept me up past 3am and it was only the early waking moments of dawn, I could not return to rest.

Sometimes I wonder if the poetry is doing it to me. But then I remind myself that it pales in comparison to the cruelty of life.

Working Girl

I got a job!

Finally, after the last year and a half of being overworked, underpaid, and just plain out of a job I finally got a real one.

I'm working at the promotions company I was a spokes model for since June of '09. Both of my bosses quit in the matter of a few weeks. I put in my resume and came out with one of the positions!

I work in Greentree. My hours are 10-6, Monday through Friday. My title is Program Manager and I basically do payroll, scheduling, and other administrative tasks for the spokes models.

Today is day 3 of my first week, but I'm in the office alone for now. The new hire and our trainer will be coming in next Monday, so then the real work starts. I'm just kind of bumming around, organizing the office and taking calls from my superiors in Baltimore until then.

This is truly the greatest thing to happen to me in the past year. Now, all I need is to get healthy to have a little bit of peace in my life.

It's funny though. There really always is the next thing. High school was really the last time I enjoyed the here and now and wasn't looking forward to the next big change. I was excited for college and moving on, but loved each day I had in high school, particularly my Junior and Senior years. From undergrad onward it's just always been a constant longing for the next step, or just for the current struggle to be over. I remember being so thrilled at the end of graduate school, only to be met with illness and unemployment. Now, here I am with a real job and on the brink of being cured, but I can't help but ask the question, "What's next?" What new hurdle will there be to overcome? Hopefully things will just calm down for a little while. I can work and focus and enjoy the present for what it is. But, the greater accomplishment would be to be able to feel like that even if another hurdle presents itself...

I know that life is a journey, but I've never been much of a process oriented person. I'd like a little destination now, please.

Catching Up

June and July have flown by. As is to be expected. We live for our summers like we do the weekends. Even someone like myself who despises heat and strongly prefers autumn chills to summer rays can still appreciate the excitement dating back to childhood which comes with anticipation of the summer months. And like all things that excite us, the summers seem to fly...

June left something to be desired. Not that I had time for things like desiring...or breathing. My five job extravaganza continued through most of the month, though not very much outside of proctoring for the Princeton Review ever happened. The Census ended earlier than expected as well, as I was not making the alleged hourly minimum each week. As you could imagine, this came as quite the surprise to me since no minimum had ever been articulated to myself--or anyone else to my knowledge. Though technically given the option to resign and therefore keeping my record clean, I was essentially fired for a complete miscommunication on the part of my superior. This was a first for me. I doubt it to be the last. Incompetence runs rampant in so-called "professional" environments.

So, at some point in the month I was down to three jobs: Crazy Mocha, Camel, and Photobooth. I managed to bank a decent amount, allowing me to pay my bills and make my car repair. At some point in all the madness I turned 25 as well. A week long vacation to Mexico with my mom was long overdue and much appreciated. Even so, it came and went and afterwards felt like a mere hiccup in the hectic. June was a countdown to something better.

The last few days before my hiatus were maddening. Even though I regularly work without days off there was something about my final week at home that nearly sent me over the edge. Likely the very knowledge of my fast approaching holiday was adding to the pressure. Whatever it was, I was on autopilot. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I worked the photobooth job. So, I worked 36 hours in 3 days. Add to that a Monday departure and my mind was running circles around itself. Somehow I managed to get packed, become a quarter of a century old (my birthday was that Saturday. As I turned 25 years of age I worked the photobooth for a Bar Mitzvah at a country club that could not have sent the family back any less than 40K. A reminder of my place in the words, I suppose.), and actually make it to the airport for my evening flight. My ass hit the seat and I was in heaven. Six hours to Parisian bliss.

My time is sparse, more to come...

Thanks for the Little Things

I have an MA, but I work at a coffee shop and for a promo company, and am in the process of getting a third job (and will still only be scraping by). That's the way of it now. A lot of people are in the same boat (many far worse!).

That said, I could not be happier about my position, because given the option of this or being back in school, I would take this 1,000 times over.

And it's not just that I had a particularly bad experience in graduate school, though that's certainly a part of it. Really, it's that school doesn't end. When I work today from 6:45am to 10:30pm, at 10:30pm I am done. Not so in school. There's always something more you should be doing. Even if all of your projects are finished, all of your reading is "caught up," there's more research you should be doing, more sources you should be investigating, more anything you should be anything-ing. The work of the graduate student is never done and he is never off the clock.

Add to this my general disdain for the work itself. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I never got to read about my interests because I was always trying to bulldoze through my reading for courses, courses that didn't really interest me at all. And, if I'm being honest, I'm just tired of academic work. Taking endless notes, comprehending and comparing theories, generating your own. Yeah, I guess I burned out.

So when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I had to work for the Camel job last night, and then pull a double today, I just remember how much better it is than the alternative. And then I can sit back and relax. Everything's coming up roses. =)

How Things Are Goin'

Work:
Since August I've been working two jobs. Promo Wednesday-Saturday, Crazy Mocha Saturday-Tuesday. Enjoy them both a lot, but do not get paid enough and would very much like real job, normal schedule, benefits, and, well, yeah, to get paid more. =)

Friends:
Amanda's wonderful weekend visit was this past Friday to Sunday. Not enough time, but so nice to see her! We frolicked about the 'burgh in some of the most miserable weather Western PA could throw at us. I miss her already.

Travel:
Headed to London on Sunday. I know, it's been a long time (by Shannon standards). Looking forward to getting my ass off this continent for a li'l while. The 10ish days away are a much needed retreat.

Health:
Nothing to report. Still sick. No improvement. Still hopeful.

Schpiel:
Balance is the name of the game right now, and I don't have it. And the department that is suffering is definitely in my personal relationships. I just cannot be there as much as I want to be for the people in my life. Between working every single day and not feeling like doing anything when I'm not I am finding it impossible to keep in touch, catch up, and attend all the things I so desire to. I feel as though I am in a major transitional stage, but instead of it lasting a couple of months until I move home from grad school and get settled into a job and a place, I'm looking at a year or more of struggling financially and physically.

the Plan:
My desire is to land a job, a regular old 9-5 that pays around $35,000 a year. And stay in said job for a year. In that year, stay at home, pay off most of my debt (student loans will be around for a while...), and get healthy (I believe this can happen). At that point move to Tokyo for a year of teaching English. This can be followed by any number of delightful adventures, including snagging an Americorps position in the Pacific Northwest or moving to LA with friends. I'd still really like to be a roadie for a not so notable punk, rock, indie, hardcore, or whatever the fuck band. =) (Musicians will be jumping at the chance to hire me with that attitude.)

Tidbit:
I took a quiz about what kind of person you are in Oprah magazine (don't judge me!) and the results were scary-right. Here it is:

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE SPONTANEOUS
You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren't afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you're a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you're less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.What to watch out for: When you can't satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won't always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn't mean it's good for you.Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you're a natural entrepreneur. You'll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Well, that's me for sure. How funny.

Venting

Thought the worst was over, but it was just beginning.

Today was a really bad day. I don't like to classify entire days like that too much, because you only get so many and I like to find the good in as much as possible, but today, despite it's good moments, sucked major ass.

First, I woke up (like usual since mid-August) in terrible pain. The kind where you just think, forget it. Nothing is worth getting out of bed today. But then you realize that laying down isn't particularly comfortable either, and you actually feel better as you get moving and the day rolls on.

So, I skype with Manolis (bright spot in the day), then shower. Then (and here's one of those low, felling sorry for myself moments. They're rare, but they happen.), I went to wash my face, but I couldn't. My hands were so weak and hurt so badly that I could not squeeze the bottle hard enough to get any facewash out of it. I tried everything. Sitting it on the corner of the sink and leaning on it, biting it, pushing it up against my jaw with my wrist. And I realized that I could not do it; I could not wash my face. How much more of a mundane, routine task could there be? And I couldn't accomplish it.

So I sat on the floor and cried.

Like that was going to help anything.

Got to work at the coffee shop. Found out I had to work another promo shift tonight. Ok, cool. Thought that was all behind me, but whatever. As long as they were cool with me coming down when my other job was over, what was the big deal?

Well, without disclosing too many details, the night was awful. NO ONE wanted what I was handing out. I needed a relatively large number of names. The bars were all dead (because it's Monday). And they had all been hit by other reps already anyway because I got down there later than everyone else.

So, in a moment of desperation I texted my boss, boss. Not my team leader, but my above that person boss. Stupid. No response and I'm sure I just annoyed her. I ended up leaving around midnight with half the names I needed. Completely depressed that I failed at what I was assigned to do. Stressed that I may have pissed people off. Scared that it could potentially threaten my future at this job. And irritated that I am out doing a job that is not technically what I was hired for on a night I don't work without fair warning or any support.

Bad day.

On top of everything else, there are so many people I want to hang out with, catch up with, or call who I just haven't because I've been running like crazy and I feel terrible about it. Who wants to be a bad friend to the people they care about.

Oh, and my car (the one that just got a $3,100 repair. No I'm not kidding.) has been making a noise since I picked it up from the shop on Thursday, so it's going back in tomorrow morning. And they better fix whatever is wrong without charging me if they know what's good for them, because I am a woman on fire just looking for the wrong person to mess with me.

So, as promised, this is nothing but some mindless venting. But I needed it and am pretty unapologetic for it at this point. Just sorry if you read it all. Maybe next time I'll offer up some thoughtful insight on existence and the universe.

Money, Money, Money...MONEY!

Working like crazy right now. Covering shifts for Crazy Mocha (oh yeah, I work there) and then there are the crazy shifts for the other job due to the G20 suck-it as I've taken to calling it. So, basically, here's the rundown.

Work promo gig Friday night til 1am, Crazy Mocha 8-4, promo 9-1, then again with the coffee shop today 3-9:30. After I close here I have to go somewhere (anywhere) to do yet another promo shift, and get done as soon as I get my numbers, but on a Sunday night who knows when that will be...then Crazy Mocha tomorrow and Tuesday 4-close, with promo starting again Wednesday night.

Blah, what a week.

And, even given all of that, I'll actually be making less money than usual because we're not making up all of the hours that we missed Wednesday and Thrusday due to G20. Grrrr...

So, that's what's up. I'll take it though. Honestly, when I think back to the Comm Dept at CU, I'll take working two part time jobs with a Master's Degree. Whatev. Anything's better than being out there.

That said, I do miss so many people. I can't wait for Amanda to come visit (October 16th!!), and I honestly would love to go back for a visit sometime. I'm sure Boulder could be quite enjoyable without the stress of the department. =) Would like to experience that.

Giving a lot of thought to my life and the process in general. Obviously the level of cliche-ity of the phrase "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" is off the charts. However, the accuracy of that statement is not to be messed with. I am the biggest appreciator of life ever. Hands down. But never, ever did I (nor could I) truely appreciate waking up each morning without pain. Every day is a struggle now. Simple tasks seem daunting. And even things I look forward to (going to visit Manolis in October!!! =D) are met with at least some hesitation as I wonder how well I'll be and how much I'll really be able to do "normal" things.

It's really discouraging to know how well I was in June and July then to totally relapse in August for seemingly no reason and with no improvement in sight. I have lost no hope. I have great resolve that I will be well again, but the daily grind can certainly get to you at times.

In the meantime, those able should come and visit me at Crazy Mocha in Cranberry! =) What in the world would you rather be doing?

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!

Wow...I think about a foot has fallen since last night. It's supposed to stop around 8pm. Here's hoping, because I got stuff to do tomorrow.

Amanda helped me take a huge sigh of relief by inviting me to get pelted in the face with compacted snow outside my apartment building. That's right. My friends are so cool that we had a snowball fight! And with her dog, Sadie, too. =)

Papers are all graded; just one more wave of them immediately after the final that I need to turn over in one night to get to leave for home as early as possible.

My own work has been pushed back as far as it goes, however, and now I am faced with a term paper per weekend and my independent study "project" to be squeezed in during the week--somewhere.

Here's to entering the tunnel. Hopefully by this time next week I'll be seeing the light.

Hopefully.