Coming to Terms

I ran today. Not very far. Alka was kind enough to allow me to join her on her run around the Highland Park reservoir and even though I ran about 13% of the distance she did, it was still among the most triumphant moments I've experienced post-illness.

I am not completely well. I still ache each morning, pop 12 pills each and every day, and require significantly more rest than I ever had before. But I am steadily improving, and for all intensive purposes, I have my life back.

There are certain things that come with this knowledge that have become challenging to accept, however. It is, for example, a sharp reality that things will never "go back" to how they were before. I am a different person. There is nothing that can ever restore that easy-going, carefree, lucky spirit I possessed only 2 1/2 short years ago.

I am angry now. I mock those who complain of life's simple difficulties and frankly detest any suggestion of being "too sick" to do anything at all. You have no idea what sick is. You have never--ever--not been able to tie your shoes at the age of 23, have your mother bathe you in what should be the prime of you life. You do not know what it feels like to experience such physical anguish that you would sincerely give it to the person you loved the most just to be relieved of the burden. Chronic pain, and the hopelessness that accompanies it, is perhaps the absolute worst ailment one can endure because it--without reservation or care for your spirit--brings out the absolute worst there is in you, and leaves you, alone.

Do not, however, believe for a second that my cynicism and bitterness negate appreciation for every day I wake up alive. But those things are still very much a part of me. They are a reality of my being just as much as the color of my hair. My experience has changed me; there is no going back. And the simple suggestion that I am young or inexperienced, or "do not understand" is nothing short of infuriating to me. So, tread lightly with these topics, because I will not hesitate to introduce you to your ignorance.

There is no question, and I say without a hint of hesitation, that I am stronger than I was before. But I cannot even entertain the idea that I am somehow "better" for my trials, perhaps enlightened or even fortunate to have experience what I did. I cannot bring myself to say it eloquently. Fuck that nonsense. What I wouldn't give to have never known what it feels like to come to a resolve with yourself that, if the future looks as grim as the present, you absolutely will take your own life. No, I could do without that lovely notion, wisdom and all.

I could go back to being carefree.

It's all about me! ...and you

Phipps at night.

I had dinner tonight with an old, well, acquaintance. It's funny, I would certainly be honored to call Chris a friend, but we really don't know each other that well, even though we know each other from a number of different things. All Campus Worship stuff, worked together at Starbucks, Hot Metal Bridge church...

Chris is a reader, and a thinker. He's a Christian, and a liberal. He's an idealist, and passionate. He and I had a lot to talk about.

The conversation would be accurately described as exhausting, though I am not exhausted. I'm an extreme extrovert who enjoys debate and conversation on those topics not appropriate at the dinner table (no, not gay porn, silly. religion and politics) and so I left feeling quited energized and revitalized.

We covered simply too much ground to rehash the entire discussion here. But, I think I shall just start throwing out themes and see where it takes me.

Chris is a self described idealist. I am too. But we have completely opposite conceptions of how to achieve an ideal world. And, ironically, that is exactly what I think is right and good and beautiful about this world, and Chris (like most people) seemed to struggle with that. Let me explain.

My philosophy on life is complicated. It's deep, not entirely worked out, hypocritical at times, beautiful, perfect, spiritual, idealistic, pure, and true. And so is yours. But they're not even remotely the same. I guarantee it. And that above all else is my philosophy on life: simply put, to each his own. And I mean that.

Look at this world. Look at all the people in it. All the thoughts, ideas, religions, beliefs, philosophies, conceptions of beauty, and wisdom, and grace, and love, and justice, and truth. Every single person has a different perception of the world based on his/her own experience (which includes knowledge, of course). How could anyone have the audacity (I struggle with the use of that word now that is have become trend-ified by Barack Obama) to claim that (s)he has it right?!

Well, no, let me back up. My belief, my perception, is that they do have it right. And I do too. I believe that each person has it right (or is trying to figure out what is right) for him/her. I believe that there is no one way in anything. I believe in truth, but in many truths. And I believe that perceptions matter.

Why can't we truly live and let live? Why can't you do what you want to do and let me do the same? Now, I understand that people have conflicting goals and that creates problems, and so we need discussion, knowledge, education, compromise, and action. But, I am a strong believe that the ends justify the means (not universally, but specific to this conversation). Chris and I overwhelmingly agreed on the ends: a safer, cleaner, more peaceful, less consumer-driven universe. We disagreed on how to get there (he wants to attempt to make big ripples; me, smaller ones. He wants to be self-sacrificing, a blessing onto men; me, see life as a series of experiences and I want to have as many good ones as I can, helping people and making a difference along the way). We also disagreed on faith and the bible, on idealism and courage. I think that all good people are fighting a losing battle, that the seven old white guys who rule the world will ultimately win and there is really nothing we can do about it. But, like Tolkien, I believe that true courage is raging into battle with the knowledge that you will lose, but believing that its still worth it. Chris truly believes that good can overcome. That we can feed the hungry, reverse environmental damage, defeat all evils.

I say that both of us are right because any Truth (whether or not it does even exist) on the matter is irrelevant. We have a limited amount of time here? Why squander it being miserable or fighting over the justifications of our actions. Let us have the discussions to learn from one another and share and grow, but, ultimately, whether you believe that the earth was created in seven days or seven-hundred million years, let's just take care of it together.

I truly and absolutely believe that no one person has it all figured out. I guess I really don't even believe that there is a right answer to everything too figure out. Everyone has to find his/her own way, his/her own path. Some people will do bad things. Some people will hate and be cruel. We must not let those people stop us. And we must stand united with the other good people (good as you see it, of course) and work to create a better world. And whether you are like me and are doing this merely on principle without the hope of victory, or are a true believer in the possibilities alive in each of us, no matter. I work for a better world, the outcome is out of my hands.

Chris is an exquisite composer. You can check out his work at http://www.myspace.com/chrismassa .