A (school) year in review

As is to be expected, this is a personal reflective post. I guess all I can do is apologize--yet again--and promise better content in the future. For now, I need this.

This was a fantastic little scene at the pond on campus today. There were actually 2 more on there, who startled when Ethan and I came close and jumped in for a swim.

I am done with my first year, and what a year it was. Wow, I have experienced so much and changed so dramatically. From riding in the rented car with Mom, Dad, and Eric crying about my irrational decision to commit myself to a "sprawling suburban hell hole" I had never even visited, to where I sit today, happy, healthy, accepted and better for it.

God truly does work wonders in our lives; in my life I see it.

Out here I have found foundation in a church which represents my beliefs and embraces others'. I have found relationships like I had not known before in my colleagues, professors, random acquaintances, and even students. I have found satisfaction and purpose in teaching. I have found challenge and discovery in my academic pursuits. I have found growth and change in owning up to responsibilities, making decisions, and evaluating my circumstances. I have found excitement and spontaneity in experiences with people who are not like myself, and not familiar to me. I have found fear in not knowing where I will go after this endeavor. I have found faith in my ability to accomplish anything life may hand to me. I have found hope in the reality that transition just takes time--but it does take. I have found pleasure in the simple tossing of a frisbee. I have found comfort in the sipping of cheap wine. I have found lust in unexpected encounters. I have found humility in making mistakes in front of disgruntled 20-somethings. I have found a deeper, stronger, reciprocal love between my parents and myself. I have found peace in Boulder, Colorado.

Katie and myself at Brasserie Ten Ten. Our final class meeting for Space and Materiality.

And, just for fun, some highlights:
Smoking
Boulder hating
Shanethanon, Shanthan, Shanethan, etc.
Korean Karaoke
Pub Quiz
Denver
"Undergrad" nights
Motet
AK 47
Starbucks card from Angela
Lecturing
Frisbee!
Mediterranean Restaurant
No Country for Old Men
Dark Star
The Buffoons
Around Midnight
Choir
Writing 6 major term papers (the accomplishment, not the process)
Weekend trip home
NCA
Fox Japan tour
Immortal Technique
Biking
Hot Yoga
San Diego
Santa Barbara
NYC
Photo shoots
Cartoons w/ Ethan
Just hangin' around, dickin'

Shout out!

Terrible picture from my student's show tonight. A student of mine opened for Dead Prez tonight at the FOX Theater.

I was hella impressed, and, get this, he totally gave me a shout out from stage.

I'm still in the throws of finals and writing. Again, I have nothing but sad apologies for my pathetic content here. Only one paper left though.

Almost half way done with grad school.


Stephen, doing his thing. He's the one on the left when the video starts. He's run's track at CU and this is a song about that. So delightful! I'm so proud of my talented students. They kick so much ass! =D

too late to apologize

Late posting again. Need to write two whole term papers by Wednesday night at 11. Of course, I have to go to class tomorrow from 6:30 to 9 to present another paper (which still requires major revision) and proctor an exam at 1pm Wednesday, followed by entering grades, which (if past experience is any indication) will last until 9pm.

I need a swift, stiff drink. "To not pulling the trigger. Cheers!"

Yichen and me.

go to school to get a degree, go to life to learn

I think there may be a few people in my department who are losing it. And, I can't blame them, cause, let's be honest, shit sucks. The pressure is immense and there is just an unjustifiable focus on production--constant, consistent production.

The university is a business. This could not have been made more clear than when CU selected oil tycoon, Bruce Benson as the sole finalist for its president. What is he good at? Not academia. That's right, people, this man can make money.

That's what they want. But, it's kind of scary--to me at least. Consider something he said when asked about how he was going to get more funding for our school. He said he'd get us the money when we show results, referring to scientific study results. You know, you find the cure for something, you're gonna see more cash flow. Which makes sense, but what about the humanities? Sorry sir, we don't produce 'results' per se, at least not the ones you're talking about.

In a department that's already completely obsessed with identity and justification, where our introductory class is nothing but defining and defending the field, it's no wonder that we're all worked to death trying to produce papers, and books, and presentations, and reviews, and every other little piece of nonsense as fast as our little fingers can churn it out. They gotta have something to show for us!

It's not their fault. But, it really is killing us.

I will acknowledge some limitations to this claim: I say that the humanities are the ones under pressure to perform, but the departments I am contrasting our workload with are all humanities based fields. English specifically. So, I guess I really don't know what Comm's problem is. I just wish we could all chill out a little bit on the b.s. and concentrate on the important stuff.

Yeah, I think that would be great.

surrender

I think that there comes a time when people need to reevaluate. Personally, professionally, spiritually, romantically...

I don't know where I am going or what I am doing. I will say this: I feel old already. I went to a student's show over the weekend. It was a student-written and produced spoof, part of a weekend-long festival with more of the same. Admittedly, I felt more than old; I also longed for a tight-knit group of friends like those on the stage and in the theater around me. I truly don't feel that I have belonged to a group like that since high school, and for a moment, I deeply regretted my decision to leave NYU 5 years ago. But, beyond that, I realized how little time there is left for experiences like the one I was witnessing. And I appreciated this realization very much, because it made me greatly appreciate the opportunity I have to be in graduate school. It may only be tangentially related to those lovely youthful experiences I am yearning for...but it's a step closer than the working world of insurance, mortgages, and responsibility.

I didn't get my students' papers ready for tomorrow, and I feel very guilty for this. I feel a lot of everything tonight. I don't know what brought on this longing/appreciation--a bittersweetness I can't define. I, as always, am terrified of the rate at which time passes and I guess I feel defeated, but joyous for what I have been given in said passing time.

FIRE!

Hellems is burning!

eh, not really. But this is the third fire drill in my building this semester. wtf?

I propose a new way of thinking. Not new as in, I originated this concept, but new in the sense that it seems no one has adopted it, and so I call for a change.
Higher education is anything but. There are few who take their education seriously. I am quite convinced of this. Undergraduates are not the only ones guilty of this. I look around me and see so many people much more concerned with CV packing and submission obsessing than their personal reading lists, projects, and intellectual interests. Of course, there is good reason for their toil--a system is in place that rewards those preoccupied with the things that do not matter. But, I feel that if we, the students and professors, abandon that practice, soon it would fade into oblivion and we would be free to formulate thought, revitalize community, and (yes, yes) actually speak to the world's problems (no lie, I have no desire to do this with my research, but, whatever, it seems everyone else does). It's just a thought...not very well formulated or even articulated here. But, hey, we all gotta start somewhere.

ridin' the tiger

Lectured again today. This experience has actually been quite lovely. I would totally do that for a living. Too bad you need the PhD and research appointment to do it.







I have this student; we'll call him Kevin. Kevin gives me hope. They had a paper due last week. Their big final paper. And they had to find sources for it. Only 2. Well, Kevin emailed me to ask if it was ok if he had more. He had 11. 11 sources. His paper is totally kick ass. He is extremely bright and takes his education seriously. What a novel idea.
Kevin emailed Dr. D (our lecturing professor) with concerns/comments about the content of a particular lecture. Dr. D articulated a pretty kick ass response, and, instead of doing what most students would have done (hell, even what I would have done), Kevin wrote back saying. Wow, that's one heck of a response. You really changed my mind about stuff.
How mature.

Yeah, Kevin gives me hope. Maybe his alias should be Obama instead.

i hate you, rhetorical criticism

me and my rhetorical criticism paper

I wrote 20 pages in 11 hours today (that includes the research required to do so). So I'm not writing one more thing than I have to now. Deal.

P.S. I have to lecture for the class I TA for tomorrow. 500 people. Kill me in the face.