I don't know where I am going or what I am doing. I will say this: I feel old already. I went to a student's show over the weekend. It was a student-written and produced spoof, part of a weekend-long festival with more of the same. Admittedly, I felt more than old; I also longed for a tight-knit group of friends like those on the stage and in the theater around me. I truly don't feel that I have belonged to a group like that since high school, and for a moment, I deeply regretted my decision to leave NYU 5 years ago. But, beyond that, I realized how little time there is left for experiences like the one I was witnessing. And I appreciated this realization very much, because it made me greatly appreciate the opportunity I have to be in graduate school. It may only be tangentially related to those lovely youthful experiences I am yearning for...but it's a step closer than the working world of insurance, mortgages, and responsibility.
I didn't get my students' papers ready for tomorrow, and I feel very guilty for this. I feel a lot of everything tonight. I don't know what brought on this longing/appreciation--a bittersweetness I can't define. I, as always, am terrified of the rate at which time passes and I guess I feel defeated, but joyous for what I have been given in said passing time.
1 comment:
I feel you big time. The older we get the harder it is to form and fit into a group like that because we have so many more demands on us. I was feeling really disconnected and isolated yesterday, too. I kind of feel like it's merely end-of-semester fatigue and stress, but I also worry that I'm missing out on fun that I should be having. Working full-time the last four years reallly makes me feel like I missed out. But then again, I'm the type who cherishes a close group of best friends (like you! :) and doesn't really need the huge social network...so maybe we just need another weekend outing soon!!!
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