Almost gone

My last full day in Boulder (if all goes according to the non-existent plan). Driving cross country for the first time tomorrow. I've never really driven anywhere before since I'm always flying. Today was total limbo day. Tying up loose ends, getting mail forwarded, changing a student's grade, giving food to Katie, randomly passing the frisbee with Nick, dinner and a movie with Caroline.

Boulder reinforced its title of most f-ed up weather in America. It was so hot this morning I thought I was going to pass out. Then, a storm was in the works--which never panned out--and now it's freaking freezing with--you will NOT believe this--reports of SNOW tomorrow.

F that. Pittsburgh (via Chicago) here I come. Real cities with real weather.

Because I walked about 58 miles today in flip flops, I thought I'd share my feet with you. I've had enough of my face anyway. Ew.


Goodness.

I am thoroughly convinced I have no idea what love is. I struggle with this regularly. The whole thing goes back to an observation I have made about myself which is that I have seemingly no sincere emotional responses. Everything is always so strategic. I can remember vividly instances in which I have received bad news and, in my mind, something like the following happens:
::processes information:: Ok, so, what is the proper way to respond to this? Furrow brow, widen eyes, gasp, search memory bank for consoling words.
It really bothers me. And this kind of reaction follows me in many facets of my life. I can say that the crying thing is natural. If I could turn that off, I would. But I have absolutely no control over that and so I am forever to be labeled as weak in situations where I become overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, or scared.

Anyway, I worry--sincerely worry--that I will never be able to surrender enough, to let go of the control my mind has over my emotions in such a way as to give over my heart to someone else.
Romantically, that is. And I do think there is a difference. The love I experience for my parents and closest friends is as real as it gets, no doubt. But, whatever the difference is between a romantic partner and a friend is the difference in what makes those emotions distinct. And so I really wonder about my ability to experience that. Am I too strategic? Am I too cynical? Am I simply not capable?

Maybe Hollywood has simply set the bar too high.

Maybe I am destined to be cold and alone.

Ha, whatever. Frisbee video! =D


Did I really just make him play fetch? I think there are more things wrong with me than we initially suspected.

A (school) year in review

As is to be expected, this is a personal reflective post. I guess all I can do is apologize--yet again--and promise better content in the future. For now, I need this.

This was a fantastic little scene at the pond on campus today. There were actually 2 more on there, who startled when Ethan and I came close and jumped in for a swim.

I am done with my first year, and what a year it was. Wow, I have experienced so much and changed so dramatically. From riding in the rented car with Mom, Dad, and Eric crying about my irrational decision to commit myself to a "sprawling suburban hell hole" I had never even visited, to where I sit today, happy, healthy, accepted and better for it.

God truly does work wonders in our lives; in my life I see it.

Out here I have found foundation in a church which represents my beliefs and embraces others'. I have found relationships like I had not known before in my colleagues, professors, random acquaintances, and even students. I have found satisfaction and purpose in teaching. I have found challenge and discovery in my academic pursuits. I have found growth and change in owning up to responsibilities, making decisions, and evaluating my circumstances. I have found excitement and spontaneity in experiences with people who are not like myself, and not familiar to me. I have found fear in not knowing where I will go after this endeavor. I have found faith in my ability to accomplish anything life may hand to me. I have found hope in the reality that transition just takes time--but it does take. I have found pleasure in the simple tossing of a frisbee. I have found comfort in the sipping of cheap wine. I have found lust in unexpected encounters. I have found humility in making mistakes in front of disgruntled 20-somethings. I have found a deeper, stronger, reciprocal love between my parents and myself. I have found peace in Boulder, Colorado.

Katie and myself at Brasserie Ten Ten. Our final class meeting for Space and Materiality.

And, just for fun, some highlights:
Smoking
Boulder hating
Shanethanon, Shanthan, Shanethan, etc.
Korean Karaoke
Pub Quiz
Denver
"Undergrad" nights
Motet
AK 47
Starbucks card from Angela
Lecturing
Frisbee!
Mediterranean Restaurant
No Country for Old Men
Dark Star
The Buffoons
Around Midnight
Choir
Writing 6 major term papers (the accomplishment, not the process)
Weekend trip home
NCA
Fox Japan tour
Immortal Technique
Biking
Hot Yoga
San Diego
Santa Barbara
NYC
Photo shoots
Cartoons w/ Ethan
Just hangin' around, dickin'