Monday, May 12, 2008

Almost gone

My last full day in Boulder (if all goes according to the non-existent plan). Driving cross country for the first time tomorrow. I've never really driven anywhere before since I'm always flying. Today was total limbo day. Tying up loose ends, getting mail forwarded, changing a student's grade, giving food to Katie, randomly passing the frisbee with Nick, dinner and a movie with Caroline.

Boulder reinforced its title of most f-ed up weather in America. It was so hot this morning I thought I was going to pass out. Then, a storm was in the works--which never panned out--and now it's freaking freezing with--you will NOT believe this--reports of SNOW tomorrow.

F that. Pittsburgh (via Chicago) here I come. Real cities with real weather.

Because I walked about 58 miles today in flip flops, I thought I'd share my feet with you. I've had enough of my face anyway. Ew.


Goodness.

I am thoroughly convinced I have no idea what love is. I struggle with this regularly. The whole thing goes back to an observation I have made about myself which is that I have seemingly no sincere emotional responses. Everything is always so strategic. I can remember vividly instances in which I have received bad news and, in my mind, something like the following happens:
::processes information:: Ok, so, what is the proper way to respond to this? Furrow brow, widen eyes, gasp, search memory bank for consoling words.
It really bothers me. And this kind of reaction follows me in many facets of my life. I can say that the crying thing is natural. If I could turn that off, I would. But I have absolutely no control over that and so I am forever to be labeled as weak in situations where I become overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, or scared.

Anyway, I worry--sincerely worry--that I will never be able to surrender enough, to let go of the control my mind has over my emotions in such a way as to give over my heart to someone else.
Romantically, that is. And I do think there is a difference. The love I experience for my parents and closest friends is as real as it gets, no doubt. But, whatever the difference is between a romantic partner and a friend is the difference in what makes those emotions distinct. And so I really wonder about my ability to experience that. Am I too strategic? Am I too cynical? Am I simply not capable?

Maybe Hollywood has simply set the bar too high.

Maybe I am destined to be cold and alone.

Ha, whatever. Frisbee video! =D

video
Did I really just make him play fetch? I think there are more things wrong with me than we initially suspected.

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